Dillard's

Welcome to Friday bitches. Right now it is lunch time and as I sit in my office I look out the window and wonder…..did I scuff my K-Swiss’ last weekend…? I sure hope not ‘cause if I did I won’t be able to holla at the Shawtys tonight. Wait a tick…I really don’t even know what a Shawty is. I don’t even own a pair of K-Swiss’, though it seems that everyone else in Charlotte does.

My point:

Going out in Charlotte is getting really old. I see the same skanky girls every weekend…

I don’t even know how you would approach a girl like this…I’ll give it a shot:

Me-“hey that is a really nice backless shirt….Dillard’s?

Skank-*blank stare*

Me-“Yeah…this bar is great…cold beers (chuckle, look around like I hear someone call my name)

Skank-*blank stare*

Me-“ My friends are here somewhere…..Oh, hey!...You should go to Dillard’s this week…I saw a commercial and I think they are having a sale…”

Skank-*walks away*

Me- (thinking to myself) “yeah, that went well….she is going to be pleased that I told her about that sale”

Same bar…same scene every weekend…The only plus is that I do live directly across from the frattiest location in Charlotte. The only problem is that I live directly across the street... Got old very quickly…

Now that I think about it a little more…I’m not really sure if I am tired of the same bars or if I am just mad about the fact that my girlfriend doesn’t own a backless shirt. I may just buy her one.

Satin Sheets

I sleep on satin sheets…….the thing is…..I have no excuse as to why I bought them. I sleep alone every night. Though I wish I was, I am not Christian Troy and I am not gay. What is wrong with me…when picking them out I even thought about the colors in my room to see if they would match. Satin sheets are only acceptable if they are red. I bought gold.

For the first time in my life I own jeans that cost over $100 and get this, they are pre-faded . I own vertically striped shirts. Charlotte is slowly killing me. Next thing you know I will have gel in my hair and think it is acceptable to wear a t-shit and a sport coat with jeans and clean sneakers. I have seen guys in the bars that have shirts on with clever sayings like “I cuddle after” and “I spoon for poon”. These people should be sterilized.

I find myself holding my breath a lot. I don’t want to catch poor. These people are all clearly infected and spend every dime they have on stuff they saw on MTV.

NEWS FLASH….your name is Allen Westerson and you are from Pennsylvania. You are not friends with Timberland or Justin Timberlake. You live in an apt that you rent for $400 a month with your friends. You have to drive 30 min to get uptown. I know you probably work someplace in the mall….maybe Pure Denim or Neiman Marcus. You tell girls you are in Sales Marketing.

Stop spreading whatever disease you have. I don’t know if I can handle more than satin sheets and expensive jeans.

Sexy

Do you know the definition of sexy? Sexy is when she has to take sips of your drink because she has “X’s” on her hands. Sexy is when she gives you money at the date party because she can’t buy drinks at the bar. Sexy is when she cries because you won’t let her teddy bear sleep in the bed with the two of you anymore……uhhhhh……forget the last one…..I meant to say I know a guy that thinks that is sexy……

21 year olds can be sexy.

If I pretend she's 18….

I lived vicariously though my girlfriend for the past year and a half. I could still experience the excitement of, “does it matter that my eyes aren’t blue” and “oh shit the cops are here”.

I watched her turn from 19-20 and then 20-21…I didn’t like it one bit. How am I supposed to impress the guys now…..sure 1987 may still sound cool but the fact of the matter is she can now do everything I can do...except pee standing up and experience the fun of a random boner at work. Other than that we are equal. She can drive and vote (yeah, still not happy about the government letting women do those). She can buy tobacco and beer and if she wants a hand gun, game on.

I don’t know what I’m going to do when people ask what year she is in school and I have to say SENIOR. I could bind her feet like the Asians do to make them stop growing and her appear younger. I know, from now on when I am around she has to wear her HS senior class shirt.

Day 413

Buckle up. Today we leave my small cubic world and address the meaning of a Tuesday night date. Now I’m not speaking of the first time Tuesday night drinks after work. I am talking about the Tuesday night dinner with a prior shack up in the books. I’m talking about consciously making an effort to engage in conversation and pay for dinner knowing full well that it is Tuesday, you will not be drunk, and this person is not spending the night.

I need to preface this by stating that I am not referring to myself. I am way too cool to have a Tuesday night date or to have a date period. I like to keep my evening agenda empty. You never know when the bikini team is going to stop by the apartment to pick up their oil boy…..I rotate girls by the hour…sitting down for dinner just ruins the flow….YEP all a lie. I have a girlfriend. But a guy I know…………

What I am going to do it take you through a 360 degree examination of the Tuesday night date.

Let’s start with the fact that a Tuesday date requires planning. This is lame on all accounts. Unless you are going to date the chic exclusively and you believe the “I don’t usually do this” story, it is never ok you plan an early week date.

Point number 2: You are volunteering for at least 2 hours of sober (it’s Tuesday) conversation and all you have to talk about is what you don’t do at work. Unless you juggle chainsaws or work at the animal shelter, she doesn’t care.

Point number 3: Tuesday night says, “I’ll go out with you early in the week so I can save my good date for Friday night. Oh yeah, If I see you at the bar, let me come to you”.

Point number 4: I am not saying that this is the only reason that guys go on dates, but let’s face it, it matters: She is not going to be shacking on Tuesday. End of story.

Let’s recap:

You pay
Sober conversation
She has a better date later that week
Your fingers are going to stay dry

The good news:

Busty Cops XIV comes on Cinemax at 1:30 AM

Day 399

I have news. No longer will I occupy the same cube until the end of time. I am moving to a different floor and bringing with me a new job title. Analytics Manager, all in your face bitch. Yeah…that’s right…I own you now. If I come visit your company they will probably give me your parking spot for the day. It’s ok…my family is rich.

Some people around the office have made comments as to how I got the job….”he knows the owner of the company” or “he gives a good hand job”. Whatever, though both are true, neither has anything to do with the promotion. To be honest, I think word had been getting around that I play a mean ass game of Shoots and Ladders and no one wanted to step up. I guess we will never know why, but we can speculate. Below I have provided a list of why I may have gotten a promotion:

1. I smell amazing
2. I own every Ninja Turtle VHS
3. I used to have lights in my shoes
4. I started masturbating in 3rd grade
5. I can hold my breath for well over 27 seconds
6. I write my name in all caps

These are just a few possibilities. If you need me, I’ll be in a meeting.

Day 391

Alright Alright, ladies and Gentleman, all the way from California….putting the rice in your roni…on stage 3...its MONDAY!….be sure to tip the girls and your waitress….

Yes folks Monday is a stripper!

You don't agree?

OK, let me break it down for you…think about it this way…Saturday is equivalent to walking into the strip club….yeah flashing lights, great times, and oooooo they have a drink special….your palms are a little sweaty because this is all so dangerous. You are alive and have no cares in the world…who knows what could happen.

Cut to…jump ahead…its Sunday…Yeahhhhhhh, sitting down…you have good seats you relax a little…this is going to be great…yeah I think I went to high school with that girl…isn’t that her mom too? Anyways….the girls are so close and they are all perfect 10’s. Yeah Sunday has never moved so smoothly and looked so good…..

Then SLAP….its Monday…you have a $140 tab….you have a stain on your pants….. and Monday is sitting on your lap with her crooked smile right in your face….there is no way out…..you knew it was coming the whole time…..this happens every time and it is impossible to stop. You sit and bear it while you all of your dignity and self respect is pulled from your body with one slimy tongue to the neck…..did you just get a visual?

Maybe next weekend I’ll just go salsa dancing.

Day 387

It's 8 AM here on the East Coast and I feel like I have eye lids made of lead…..not because they are a soft metal with the atomic number of 82….but because I can barely keep them from slamming down every time they are opened….

Are you ready for this?... Last night was AMAZING and totally worth my exhaustion….Here it goes….I got off work at around 5:15ish and went home…I was so pumped…I had been waiting all day for this….I knew I had a big night ahead so I jumped into bed for a quick 1 hour nap….I was going to need my energy….After waking up I made a small dinner….not too much….I didn’t have time….This is the part where you might think, “HOLY CRAP…..this kid is extreme….” Well let me tell you sir….I am but a man made of flesh and bone just like yourself….I gathered my supplies….There would be no time to get them later….Walking with the confidence of Iapetus the Titan; father of Atlas, Epimetheus, and Prometheus, I sat down on the couch and for the next 2:48 I watched Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At Worlds End…….WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME…..How am I ever going to keep pace with my 20 year old lady friend….I call when I’m getting in bed and 9 times out of 10 this is how the conversation goes…..

PP: Hello my lady and what might you be doing at this hour of the evening
JF: WHHAATTTTTT....I CANT HEAR YOU…….JAGER BOMBS……I AM SOOOOOO DRUNK
PP: I was calling so that we might have a conversation about tax reform or foreign policy
JF: I can’t feel my face..hahaha….I just remembered that I forgot to put panties on tonight...oops!

The only reason I don’t run as fast as I can into a brick wall is because I know that people like you just read this so you must not have anything really exciting going on either.