Satin Sheets

I sleep on satin sheets…….the thing is…..I have no excuse as to why I bought them. I sleep alone every night. Though I wish I was, I am not Christian Troy and I am not gay. What is wrong with me…when picking them out I even thought about the colors in my room to see if they would match. Satin sheets are only acceptable if they are red. I bought gold.

For the first time in my life I own jeans that cost over $100 and get this, they are pre-faded . I own vertically striped shirts. Charlotte is slowly killing me. Next thing you know I will have gel in my hair and think it is acceptable to wear a t-shit and a sport coat with jeans and clean sneakers. I have seen guys in the bars that have shirts on with clever sayings like “I cuddle after” and “I spoon for poon”. These people should be sterilized.

I find myself holding my breath a lot. I don’t want to catch poor. These people are all clearly infected and spend every dime they have on stuff they saw on MTV.

NEWS FLASH….your name is Allen Westerson and you are from Pennsylvania. You are not friends with Timberland or Justin Timberlake. You live in an apt that you rent for $400 a month with your friends. You have to drive 30 min to get uptown. I know you probably work someplace in the mall….maybe Pure Denim or Neiman Marcus. You tell girls you are in Sales Marketing.

Stop spreading whatever disease you have. I don’t know if I can handle more than satin sheets and expensive jeans.