Yeah, I Hate You Too

Oh Hey! There he is...the guy who brought the Olive Garden to-go box to work. I would like to thank you. You, sir, are yet another person whom I hate. I can just hear the conversation now.


Ass Clown from Work -"A to-go box? Sure that sounds super!"
Pimply face waitress named Fendi- "I'll bring that right out."
Ass Clown (in a joking voice )- "Bring out some more of those delicious bread sticks."
Fendi- "I love those too...I'll bring a few extra out for you to take home"

Actual Conversation:

Ass Clown- "Damn right I want a box. This shit cost me $6.99."
Fendi- "Are you fucking kidding me?"
Ass Clown-"I'll steal some bread sticks...I bet she would sleep with me"
Fendi- "Why the fuck did I not get an abortion? I could be in college."

So lets recap:

It is never OK to get a to-go box.

1. Nothing cost too much to leave behind.
2. You look like a fucking idiot carrying a box.
3. How many guys carrying a box have gotten laid.
( answer: NONE.)
4. There is a high probability that you are poor.
5. You are probably wearing a short sleeve button up. You saved enough money buying that douche bag shirt to afford another meal.

Reminder:

I hate you.

Tuesday Night

Everyday after work I get home and do the same thing. Sit on the couch, think about dinner and drink four fingers of Scotch. So tonight was just another boring night. After dinner I sat in the living room and watched a couple 16 year old girls jump around on mats and hug each other. It was amazing how their bodies could bend and flex. Their legs were able to reach high into the air with crane like balance. With every success I could hear the chant: USA! USA! USA!Their small frames allowed them to fly high into the air coming down to hit the perfect spot.

After that their parents picked them up and I turned the Olympics on.

Another Person I Hate

So its Friday again, after a week of strenuous work I have let myself relax, had a cup of coffee or two and just returned from relieving myself. While standing at the urinal staring at the tiled wall I had time to think (it takes a lot of time for urine to pass though my long urethra). Glancing down to make sure my aim was on, I noticed about 7 or 8 pubes just sitting on the rim of the porcelain waterfall…Granted this is not the first time for me to see this, this is just the first time I have given it any thought.

Who is this person that has pubes this long?
More so, how do they have such an abundance of pubes that they are bursting from their pants?
Is it the fact that they are so long and their weight so massive that their body can simply no longer hold on to them?

After at least 3 minutes of deep thought I knew exactly who it was, and I immediately started hating them. Are you ready? Ladies, you need to know this too. You don’t want a chance run in with sasquatch.

It is that guy who wears the fucking short sleeve button-ups every day. You know who I’m talking about. That guy that goes to Stein-Mart and buys every fucking item with a polo horse on it. It doesn’t matter at all that it looks like Big Bird took a shit on it then gave it to a bunch of blind 4 year-olds to color on. Congrats, you got a Ralph Lauren shirt for 6.99! The only reason that shirt was ever made is so people like me could easily identify you. Does it not occur to you that it is located in the back of the store, on a rack that includes silk shirts that have dragons on them, for a reason? Why even buy a button up shirt that has short sleeves in the first place. It is like buying a BMW without leather….”Yeah, high-five you drive a BMW”…fast forward 10 min…”my legs are itchy”…..You are ultimately going to be upset with your purchase and everyone will see you for the douche bag you are. So do us all a favor, next time you want to spend your lunch money on an a gay shirt, think to yourself, “are my pubes getting too long?”

Writers note:

There are too acceptable occasions to wear a short sleeve button-up:
1. You are Mormon going door to door giving away bibles.
2. You are a mailman