The Dream

Champagne Wishes and Caviar Dreams

2009-05-28T17:46:00.001-04:00

I'm moving on up.

I just bought the website:

www.youcantbeme.com

If you need me i'll be on the veranda.

I've Got Answers

2009-05-20T23:49:00.007-04:00

So along with all the hate mail and marriage proposals, I randomly get emails asking my advice. Who else to let you know if poor is contagious, what is acceptable only when drunk and if fat girls will really do more stuff.

I've been there folks. I am your regular fratstar Dear Abby. So shoot me a few questions. I'll do my best to make sure you stay on your A game and don't get caught up in mix of $30,000 millionaires.

Drop me a note at:

liveinacube@gmail.com

Letter To My Future Wife

2009-05-06T16:57:00.008-04:00

Hey GF,

OMG, I can’t W8 to be your BF. ;)~. You are totes the gurl for me. @---‘--- (a flower for you)! My BFF’s and I have been chillin all day at my rents place playing MASH. GREAT NEWS. You are going to be hot. We will have 2 kids, live in a mansion, and drive a Corvette! At least that is what the game told me LOL. What is the 411 on that boi in your class? J/K I I don’t really care LMAO. WTF….another spelling test this week?!? Your teacher is such a B! Just an FYI, don’t hang out with the gurl that rides the bus. She has a bad case of the poor.

Tlk2uL8r!

Ps. No one know how to make a cursive “Z” so it’s kewl!

Translation (for everyone over 13)

Hello,

I wanted to write you and say hi. Someday we will meet each other and fall desperately in love. Until then I can only wait and hope that the path you are on is the quickest path to me. I know you will meet other men before me, that’s ok. You will face many choices in life: where you will live, the school you will attend and the career path you take. Whatever life brings you make sure to choose your friends wisely. People judge you by the company you keep.

All my love,

Patrick

Ps. All of the previously stated becomes null and void if you are fat. Kisses.

Mail Bag

2009-04-14T12:15:00.017-04:00

Have a look at a few of the emails and comments I have received after each blog. I hope you enjoy these as much as I do.

_________________________

via Reblog

ARMYCHI******

YOURE SNOBBY FOR SAYING THAT. THERES TONS OF "POOR" PEOPLE WHO MAKE IT SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE. I'M ONE OF THEM . IF I WERE YOU I' d THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. Rude PPL LIKE YOU ARE UNATTRACTIVE.

Congrats ArmyC, you clearly “make it successful in life”. I was wrong. Now I’m embarrassed in front of all of my friends.

____________________________________________________________

via Gmail

Ta****** 12:25 PM

just read it
i love it
i now judge them by the level of hatred --- super hating you

Ta***** 12:28 PM

and wanting you
drives me crazy how they go together like that

2 points me.

____________________________________________________________

via Hotmail

Am**********

I don’t know who you are. But I know what you stand for. You are the reason that people don’t get ahead in life. You are the reason that women feel BAD about how they look. What gives you the right to judge. Do you think because you are SOOOOO RICh that you decide how everything should be? Well wake up. The best things in life are not young girls and nice clothes. I hope someday you grow up. Prick.

Me: I’ll take things in life for $800

Alex: Answer: Young girls and nice clothes.

Me: What are the best things

Alex: Correct for $800

Nice try Trebek

____________________________________________________________

via comment section on my blog

D****

While your blog is somewhat funny, it would be a very interesting social experiment to see what would happen if you ever moved to a real city. If you are around enough 6's you may feel like a 10 in comparison, but what if you upped the ante and were around a larger portion of the best and the brightest? It would be interesting to see how your observations, rhetoric, and swagger would hold up and whether the substance underneath is really as strong as your writing makes it seem

J******
Bro, you just got served!!!

I did in fact, get served. The good news: I know that I will never take public transportation.
____________________________________________________________

via comment section on my blog

Wasb*************

oh my gosh.. my mom and I about pissed our pants reading that.. and i read a bunch of the others.. You are too funny! Write more.. i need a weekly laugh from you!

Mother AND daughter pissing themselves at the same time!?! Someone read my diary.

____________________________________________________________

via Hotmail

BL*********

FUCK YOU

Short and to the point. Well-done.
____________________________________________________________

via comment section on my blog

C*****

I'm a breasts man. Typically girls with large breast eat healthy, so I say have all the chips you want as long as I can have some milk.

This makes me glad people only have my email and not my address.
____________________________________________________________

via Gmail

K***********
If your picture is really you in your Blog profile then you can saw what ever you want. PS im 20 is that too old?

Sorry I never got back to you. A few follow up questions.
1. Do you have an opinion?
2. Pearls and a sweater?
3. Is everything clearly defined for you as an “entry” or an “exit”?

The Draft

2009-04-03T11:53:00.004-04:00

Get your pen and paper ready. You’ve heard of March Madness, well next month is May Madness. All the hottest recruits will be reviewing scholarship offers, weighing their opportunities and making their announcement. This time of year always gets me going. Last year’s draft went well but this year the sky is the limit.

The typical recruit comes in freshman year with little “big game” experience. They don’t know the playbook or the new rules of the game. This is a whole new league. Quotes such as:

“I don’t know this move”
“I’ve never worked this hard”
“Is that legal?”

can be heard from all of the newbie’s.

That’s right everyone. It is the High School Draft. Girls from all over the country will decide what higher leaning facility will allow them the best opportunity to meet a man and become engaged by end of the third season. With their championship ring and MRS degree attained in just 3 short years they will have time for more important things like learning how to pour a scotch and making me a sandwich.

This is not an easy league though. There is stiff competition (ha ha ha I said “stiff”). Yes, you may have a cable knit and a 3 series but so does the next girl. What sets you apart?

You were on the dance team in High School? Your dad never hugged you? You don’t understand what’s the big deal about a blow job?

Did you just say you are walking to your car alone later? You just became a first round pick.

Just a heads up to the rookies. Play hard. Impress the other team. But don’t get injured freshman year. No one signs a long term contract with a girl that has played for the competition.

Last thing, please do all of us coaches a favor. When you ask for graduation gifts, put monogrammed pillow cases at the top of the list. We need to at least have a good shot at remembering the name of all the players on our team.

Dinner for None

2009-03-26T15:30:00.009-04:00

Spring just hit Charlotte. Perfect times for outdoor drinking, bacci ball and girls in skirts. You know the ones the defy physics. They’re made out of that t-shirt material and no matter how hard the wind blows they go up only enough to piss you off.

Anyway, I was at the mall picking up some new deck shoes and linen pants when I walked past a line of people that all seemed to be waiting in line for a NASCAR event. What the fuck was going on. Dale Earnhardt must have risen from the grave and is personally giving everyone an OTPHJ (over the pants hand job). I continued around the corner and ,fuck me, it is a Ruby FUCKING Tuesdays. What are these people thinking? Are they really waiting in line to eat at a restaurant that is attached to a mall? Rule #7 in not looking like Best Buy employee of the month. Never eat at a restaurant that is attached to a mall.

For everyone that just said, “but Cheese Cake Factory is attached to a mall”, please send me your address and I will personally drive to your house (where ever you have parked it that week) and give you $20 to punch you in the face. Furthermore, if you just thought about if you would let me punch you for $20, stop reading. I hope you are sterile and are never able to reproduce.

Seeing these people made me wonder, “Does Olive Garden have too long of a wait?”

I can hear it now:

“Well, gee ma. You think we cen jus sher one of dem bottomless pasta bowls?”
“does 8.99 include tax?”
“if we ask for no salad can we get a discount?”

Where do these people come from? I have a guess. They come from neighborhoods that don’t have names. “The Shady Tree Trailer Park” doesn’t count. If your house is not from an esteemed neighborhood with a gate and a name you probably fall for tricks like:

1. Kids eat free (if you can’t afford to pay for your kids meal maybe you should not be reproducing). Poor.
2. “Bottomless” or “endless”, how long has it been since your last meal that you need to count on dinner being never ending? Get a job, Poor Fail.
3. Catchy names. No successful man has ever ordered a meal that is called “Zippy Chicken Swingers”.
4. Did you see a commercial for a special they have? When was the last time you saw a commercial for a Country Club. If something is really that good they don’t need to advertise.

The last of the poor test is this . If you have ever eaten at a restaurant that has replaced “ing” with just the letter “n” (e.g. Flamin’, Jumpin’, Bloomin’, Rockin’) you are no friend of mine.

Don’t come into my fratosphere with your Lee jeans and oversized wallet. Is that a $50 bill sticking out? Someone must have had a birthday! Maybe if you tell the waitress the will bring a free slice of cake and 7 forks.

The Ride

2009-02-19T15:18:00.007-05:00

This is part two in the five part series depicting the girls that will never get a second date. I have sat down several times to write this blog. Each time I became too enraged and had to relax by driving though the projects while throwing copies of my W2 from my car. You should see the faces of the people as they stare at all those zeros.

Background:

This girl has been in my social group for a while but always on the outer ring. Hot, but knows it. Skinny, with just enough plastic to let me know that she once hated herself. Did you expect otherwise?

7PM Thursday Night:

I jump in the truck and start on my way to her uptown Condo. Fact: if she lives in a place (other than a house) that allows you to park for free turn around. Parking fees help filter out the poor. Think about it, people get mugged walking to their cars. If they weren’t so fucking poor they would have spent the $4 to park in the garage and wouldn’t have had their GO phone stolen.

Back to the story. It has been a while since I have worn them, but this is a chic that definitely likes a guy in 7 Jeans ( told you, Charlotte has changed me a bit). I have on a crispy polo fresh from the dry cleaners. Fact, I am looking good. She meets me at the bottom of the elevator and we head up stairs for a pre-dinner drink.

The night starts off slow, she isn’t much of a talker (knows her place). We speed though our cocktails and start on the second. Little more talking. 3 cocktails down. Reservations are at 8:30. This girls isn’t going to make it if we don’t leave now. We get down to my truck and I open her door. This makes her smile like I just told her we could be facebook friends.

As we pull out of the garage I put on the radio for a little silence filler. Then it starts. Just a little hum. Nothing big, but I notice. Things are fine, we get to a stop light and then she pours it on. I am sitting next to mother fucking Rihanna junior. She starts singing like it is American Idol and I'm Simon fucking Cowell.

Now let me be clear. I don’t mind fun singing in the car after a few drinks or when driving back from the bars. But chics, if you are 24 (yeah I know she is old as shit) and you don’t have an album, chances are you suck. You are the only one who thinks you are a good singer.

I turn up the radio to drown her out and Rihanna Junior just gets louder. She starts with the squinty eyes and some hand movement. I may have to Chris Brown her ass. It doesn’t stop. No joke, Taylor Swift is sing, “ Romeo save me, I’ve been feeling so……” I can’t hear the radio. I’m trapped. This is before dinner.

There is no saving her now. I am cashed. She could give me a hand job (with full eye contact) during dinner as I eat my Mediterranean Pasta and I still would rather be watching my grandparents make out. Did you get a visual?

A few days later I get a text. "Had a lot of fun. Should do it again -T. Swift."

I learned so much about her in that short drive.

1. She thinks she is great.
2. She is the girl that sings Karaoke seriously. You know the one who chooses Carrie Underwood while everyone else is singing Aerosmith.
3. The plastic work is only a temporary fix for an inevitable collapse when she finds out that not only was she born looking like a boy, but she also has a voice like one.

Who has ever heard of a naturally good looking confident woman. Honestly. The reason why you are good looking is because you are worried about what guys like me think. THIS IS A GOOD THING. Once you start having things like “opinions” and “thoughts” it all goes downhill. The only things you need for success are a nice cable knit sweater, pearl earrings (not the cultured bullshit, we know the difference) and low self-esteem. Remember these things and you will be rewarded with a divorce at the age of 35, full custody and 50% of all my possessions.

If you ever get that feeling to sing just look at the W2 on my seat and imagine half of it is yours.

Frat-tivities

2009-02-10T00:00:00.006-05:00

With the weather becoming nice I wanted to inform you of several do’s and don’ts pertaining to summer fun. I will provide a list of warm weather activities that will assure you don’t appear to be a douche or poor.

The first of the acceptable events:

Tennis

Where else can you put on a collar and short shorts and participate in an athletic past time? I like to show up in all white just so you know I’m fresh. In my bag I keep the necessities; my racket, tennis balls, water bottle, The Wall Street Journal and my resume. I’ll probably close a deal before I leave.

Girls, there are only 2 times that it is acceptable for you to wear a short skirt and grunt loudly.

1. At the tennis court.
2. Did I mention I have satin sheets?

Weddings

The adult date party. Put on a tux, head to the CC. Time for an open bar and taking advantage of girls that have a new found hope for love. Put a few shots in her hand, twirl her around the dance floor, next thing you know she is telling her friends that you remind her of the movie A Walk to Remember.

Girls, pretend you are drunk and we’ll pretend that “(you) really don’t usually do this”.

Frat Sodas

Any bar with an outdoor seating area is prime real-estate to sit back and enjoy a relaxing beer. The benefit is that you can drink at a bar without being forced to see My New Hair Cut. During the daylight hours these guidos stay in polishing their sneakers and ironing their dragon print shirts.

With this being said there are several activities that are not acceptable.

Running with your shirt off

Though I don’t condone running at all, I realize that after college something needs to be done to keep in shape. But under no circumstances is it ok to have your shirt off while running though the neighborhood. A cotton t-shirt does not make you sweat more. NO EXCUSES. Everyone owns a t-shirt, put one on. My former stance on running was that it is only acceptable if being chased by killer bees or……well nothing else. If you think about it, how cool can you look while running. Nothing is important enough to run to. Do you know who I am? Whatever it is it can wait for me.

Frisbee Golf

I hope you get hit by a car. Enough said.

And worst of all, Tanning in public

I don't care who you are, what you do or who your parents know. It is never ok to publicly lay out. You look like an idiot. Yeah, sweet, everyone knows you have an awesome tribal band on your arm. Congrats, while you were working on those abs all winter I was keeping your girlfriend warm. Did you know friction causes heat? Didn't think so.

Keep laying out. Your girlfriend has a short skirt and doesn't play tennis.

Check Please

2009-02-05T14:44:00.002-05:00

So after a couple months of being single, I have some insight to offer. This will take the thinking out of whether or not a girl gets a second date. Being that I am incredibly good looking and wealthy she was lucky to get the first date. This is part one in a five part series that will evaluate the 5 girls that don’t get a second date. Print this; put it in your pocket. You may need to reread this in the bathroom while you leave her at the table.

The Salsa Refill Girl

So it's a first date and totally acceptable to go to a Mexican restaurant.

STOP: Get those poor thoughts out of your head. Not the Mexican restaurant that sell a piss flavored Margarita. I’m talking about the one that has servers that speak English. If you have never been to one of these please stop reading now. You are wasting time when you should probably be mowing someone’s lawn for extra money.

So back to the Salsa Refill Girl.

You walk in and are seated. Chances are you look like a frat star (like myself) and they want to put you near the front so people walking in can see beautiful people eat here. Sitting down she will most likely begin to tell you about some crap job she has, eg. “I just really love the way the children smile at me after their visit to the museum.”. This is actually what you hear, “I just really blah blah blah POOR blah blah POOR blah museum.”

NEWS FLASH! Babe, if you not topless, I’m not listening.

As the date progress you begin to think Patrick Bateman thoughts, “You're a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death, and then play around with your blood.”After a few minutes you notice that she is looking around franticly. Has she forgotten her name and where she is? Did she just think she saw the father that used to beat her? Maybe she has to shit and is looking for the closest potted plant. Then you realize what it is. This chic has eaten the fuck out of a basket of chip and practically chugged the salsa. Yes, all of it. The green and the red kind.

Does she not realize that you are about to purchase a meal for her? The chips are simply something to decorate the table and make it look festive. Maybe one or two are acceptable but they are not meant to be a substitute for an appetizer.

She won’t stop looking around. She puts her hand up to any waiter or waitress that walks buy. It doesn’t matter if they are on the other side of the room. SHE NEEDS TO FEED. Something is wrong here. You never expected this. How does she eat this much and stay so skinny? A smile works across your face. You had stumbled across a purger. Wait, focus. Yes she will be skinny her whole life but she will eventually lose her hair and her teeth will be grey (small smile again). No, you have to get out of this.

You have two options:

1. Stab yourself in the hand with your fork.
2. Excuse yourself to the bathroom and leave.

Don’t worry. She won’t notice you have left until there is another heaping basket of chips and bowl of salsa to calm her down.

You are free. Needless to say, she is not second date material.

Time to Buy

2009-01-05T10:38:00.006-05:00

Ok everyone, it is the beginning of a new year. Time to start counting down until your next raise, looking for a new car and most importantly updating your portfolio. The third is where I come in. Your investments are important and if you follow my advice I can promise you the highest returns you have seen in years. It‘s a Bullish Market, don’t miss your time to buy.

So I imagine that by now you are sitting on the edge of your seat wanting that hot tip to make your year.

Well here it is:

It‘s a small firm founded 18 years ago. It’s employees, though not as experienced as other companies show room for major growth this fiscal year. This company has the potential to outperform all of its leading competitors but is previously untested. You ask, why has no one else snatched up this companies holdings. Until five days ago, due to government restrictions, they were not publicly traded. A few under the table deals happened but nothing note worthy.

Without further ado I give you 2009’s portfolio pick of the year: NNO

That is correct folks, Nineteen Ninety-One (NNO). Yes, after 18 years of waiting; its anticipated release it is finally here.

You asked me 5 years ago; “Patrick, why do you go to the ice-cream socials at the club rather than the driving range to work on your game?”

Research.

So that I might share with you the wonders of the trade. While you drank at the bars on Friday I was at the skating rink. While you slept in on Saturday mornings I was at the soccer fields. You told me, “Patrick, watching Dora the Explorer is gay.” Well who is gay now my friend. I have the single largest NNO portfolio in the nation.

No longer is it “frowned upon” to hit on a girl from ’91. Just 4 short years ago, I was catching flack from other investors. “Dude, she has braces”, and “Hey, maybe you shouldn’t be dating a middle schooler”….I heard you then, but look at me now.

I know what you are thinking: “This guy is a pioneer”

I am a man. Flesh and bone but follow me and I will show you things you could only imagine.

The Stall

2008-12-11T11:30:00.004-05:00

So last night, just hanging out, having a few beers at the bar. Normal Wednesday (I always frat hard). After about 4 beers and no dinner it was time to let the trouser snake breath. This is the point of the story where I need to you to visualize what I describe.

Walking into the restroom, there are 4 urinals directly in front of me. To the right, along the same wall, there are 2 stalls. I don’t know why they put those there because no one poops at the bar. Except, that one time at Galletts. It was life or death, trust me.

Back to the story. So, I walk in and I’m the only person in the restroom. I choose the urinal that is to the far right directly next to the stall. I chose this one because I am courteous and went to the furthest one down the line so no one has to walk past me as I hold my Cyclops. As I start to let loose and read the ad for a reality company, that clearly chose a random blond with fake boobs off the street for their ad, I hear the door open. I was there alone so I knew that it was no one I knew so I had no need to look over my shoulder. The guy takes 4 steps into the bathroom. Then he paused.

What the fuck was he doing. I started to strain hard. Pee splashing off the back of the urinal onto my hand because of the powerful flow I was producing. I didn’t care. I needed to get out of there. Then it got really weird.

Man law states that you must skip a urinal between users. Even if there are 3 urinals only 2 people can go at the same time (this means that 3 urinals are just as useful as 4, only 2 can go at a time). Well this mother fucker walks up and stands at the urinal next to me and unzips his pants. He stands there for about 2 seconds, zips his pants back up and walks behind me to go to a stall…I am tripping the fuck out. Was this some kind of secret code that let a man in the ceiling know that it was ok to jump out and pound me in the ass? The guy continues into the stall and begins to pee. Now, I have learned over the years there are 3 kinds of people you don’t trust.

1. First and foremost: Poor People
2. The man at the mall that says he will give you $7 if you follow him into the back hallway and show him your wiener (I should have seen that coming from a mile away. Oh well I was 21, young and stupid).
3. The guy that pees in the stall.

What the fuck is wrong with the stall guy. Did he have some crazy experience where a man peeing in a urinal killed his family back in 89? Was he the victim of wandering eyes? Or does he simply think that standing next to another man while touching your wiener is weird. What a loser. One of the best things about being a man is that I can talk to the man peeing next to me at a truck stop about the deal I can get on a CB radio. I can talk to the guy at the bar about that skank that just walked to her car alone and if I should follow. It is a beautiful thing. The man that pees in the stall is no friend of mine nor is his friend that is hiding in the ceiling.

So Much for Survival of the Fittest

2008-09-19T15:28:00.005-04:00

The orthodontist said it was because your jaw was not wide enough. Your mom told you it was, “because you got your dads smile.” Your grandmother told you that no one even noticed. If you want the truth come to me.

I know why you had braces. Are you ready for the answer?

Bad breeding.

Somewhere down the line, you have a little bit of poor in you. Some more than others. You are probably blind to the fact that, due to you crappy genetics, you have several other very obvious features that let me know your family probably share cropped for my family:

1. Your facial hair is red. There are two problems with this. 1) Your hair doesn’t match 2) Besides Ron Howard, who has red hair and is rich?
2. You have hair that grows on your back. Questions?
3. You know that mousy kind of face that poor people have? Trick question! If you answered “no” you are poor and you probably have one of those mousy faces.
4. You are prone to sun burn. Jesus loves rich people so he allows them to become golden brown and beautiful. Is it a coincidence that hell is hot and poor people burn? I think not.

How does it feel now that you know your father(6) was a serf back when my father(6) was eating over sized turkey legs in his castle. NO….not the over sized turkey legs that you buy at the fair (I saw it in a movie once). The fact that you just thought of the fair is another sign you are poor.

Note: Glasses are acceptable. The print is very small in The Wall Street Journal.

You Can't Be Me

2008-09-11T16:25:00.005-04:00

OK…before I get started, did anyone realize that they are now printing $100 bills with big faces on them. All of mine have small faces….weird.

So the other day I was walking around the grocery store while on the phone with the girlfriends sister…yeah, high five! We were talking about our careers and shooting the shit about what the other was picking up for dinner. Wondering around, I noticed that the South Charlotte store was full of FratStars.

Wha?

I will not be out done…every move I make is strategically planned to make me better than you. You will never be on my level.

Freaking out, I immediately looked down into my basket.

“Do I have any off brand food? Was that on sale?”

Not a chance. There is a reason California Pizza Kitchen makes a pizza….it is not because their frozen pizza taste better than the rest. It is strictly for image. That pizza is very similar to a Louis Vuitton bag in the mall. Yeah, any old bag would work. But news flash, IM NOT FUCKING POOR.

That is exactly the message that my pizza sends.

I continue to walk around. “Oh, great news, Burberry makes waffles. I’ll get some of those with Vineyard Vines syrup. Scratch that, no one wants to smell like the fat kid in elementary school (put the syrup back).”

As I check out I glance around at others in the checkout lanes (never use the self checkout line. Who uses the self check lane? All together now….POOR PEOPLE).

“Ha ha ha…that girl is buying Deer Park water.”

If it isn’t in glass or a square plastic bottle it doesn’t touch my hand.

Two lanes down a guy handed his keys to the check out girl. She scanned some plastic card that gave him discounts. I squinted to look harder. Nope, he was not 87. Therefore this is unacceptable FratStar behavior. Be 100% sure that if ever hand someone my keys I fully expect them to pull my fucking car to the door.

Now that I have given myself a chance to observe these fake fratters, I slowly begin to calm down.

I am better than them. They love me. They want to be me. All is right in the world.

Yeah, I Hate You Too

2008-08-26T22:33:00.006-04:00

Oh Hey! There he is...the guy who brought the Olive Garden to-go box to work. I would like to thank you. You, sir, are yet another person whom I hate. I can just hear the conversation now.

Ass Clown from Work -"A to-go box? Sure that sounds super!"
Pimply face waitress named Fendi- "I'll bring that right out."
Ass Clown (in a joking voice )- "Bring out some more of those delicious bread sticks."
Fendi- "I love those too...I'll bring a few extra out for you to take home"

Actual Conversation:

Ass Clown- "Damn right I want a box. This shit cost me $6.99."
Fendi- "Are you fucking kidding me?"
Ass Clown-"I'll steal some bread sticks...I bet she would sleep with me"
Fendi- "Why the fuck did I not get an abortion? I could be in college."

So lets recap:

It is never OK to get a to-go box.

1. Nothing cost too much to leave behind.
2. You look like a fucking idiot carrying a box.
3. How many guys carrying a box have gotten laid.
( answer: NONE.)
4. There is a high probability that you are poor.
5. You are probably wearing a short sleeve button up. You saved enough money buying that douche bag shirt to afford another meal.

Reminder:

I hate you.

Tuesday Night

2008-08-13T00:13:00.004-04:00

Everyday after work I get home and do the same thing. Sit on the couch, think about dinner and drink four fingers of Scotch. So tonight was just another boring night. After dinner I sat in the living room and watched a couple 16 year old girls jump around on mats and hug each other. It was amazing how their bodies could bend and flex. Their legs were able to reach high into the air with crane like balance. With every success I could hear the chant: USA! USA! USA!Their small frames allowed them to fly high into the air coming down to hit the perfect spot.

After that their parents picked them up and I turned the Olympics on.

Another Person I Hate

2008-08-08T10:56:00.000-04:00

So its Friday again, after a week of strenuous work I have let myself relax, had a cup of coffee or two and just returned from relieving myself. While standing at the urinal staring at the tiled wall I had time to think (it takes a lot of time for urine to pass though my long urethra). Glancing down to make sure my aim was on, I noticed about 7 or 8 pubes just sitting on the rim of the porcelain waterfall…Granted this is not the first time for me to see this, this is just the first time I have given it any thought.

Who is this person that has pubes this long?
More so, how do they have such an abundance of pubes that they are bursting from their pants?
Is it the fact that they are so long and their weight so massive that their body can simply no longer hold on to them?

After at least 3 minutes of deep thought I knew exactly who it was, and I immediately started hating them. Are you ready? Ladies, you need to know this too. You don’t want a chance run in with sasquatch.

It is that guy who wears the fucking short sleeve button-ups every day. You know who I’m talking about. That guy that goes to Stein-Mart and buys every fucking item with a polo horse on it. It doesn’t matter at all that it looks like Big Bird took a shit on it then gave it to a bunch of blind 4 year-olds to color on. Congrats, you got a Ralph Lauren shirt for 6.99! The only reason that shirt was ever made is so people like me could easily identify you. Does it not occur to you that it is located in the back of the store, on a rack that includes silk shirts that have dragons on them, for a reason? Why even buy a button up shirt that has short sleeves in the first place. It is like buying a BMW without leather….”Yeah, high-five you drive a BMW”…fast forward 10 min…”my legs are itchy”…..You are ultimately going to be upset with your purchase and everyone will see you for the douche bag you are. So do us all a favor, next time you want to spend your lunch money on an a gay shirt, think to yourself, “are my pubes getting too long?”

Writers note:

There are too acceptable occasions to wear a short sleeve button-up:
1. You are Mormon going door to door giving away bibles.
2. You are a mailman

Letter to my Future Self

2008-07-02T00:09:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I lie awake late at night and wonder about the future. Where will I be? What job will I have? What will be the name of my robot dog? These are a few of the questions that scare me the most. I have decided to write my future self a letter. Being that the interweb is going to be around forever, I figured that posting it here would secure the fact that future Patrick reads it.

Dear Future Patrick (2011),

Let me start this letter by saying no, you are not gay, even if you did happen to finish at the same exact time they zoomed in on the male porn stars face. It was once....and they tricked you. Now that we have that out of the way......

So right now I'm dating this chic "J".....yeah I know, 1987....I bet you're dating some chic that was born in like 1995 (learn from the past, check her ID). Is she a freak? E-highfive! We are amazing. Is sex the same on the moon? Is zero gravity a form of birth control? WHO CARES we never use that shit anyways.

I'm sure you have a really awesome robot dog that that cooks chicken pot pies for you all the time. Man I love chicken pot pie....I guess you know that though. Is it illegal to have sex with a robot dog in the future? Just wondering.

I bet you make tons of money now. I have a little suprise for you. Here in my time (2008) I put about $157 into an off shore savings account. By offshore, I mean that I gave it to a guy in the Bahamas to hold and invest. I'm sure he has been making that money work for us. His contact information is as follows:

Goff Ukyurself
+ 001 911-867-5309

YOU'RE WELCOME.....we're loaded now I'm sure.

Well you are probably busy doing something really cool. Can't wait until I'm you.

Best,

Present Patrick (2008)

PS. If you could write back I'd really like some confirmation on that whole porn accident thing....It only happens once right?

The American Dream

2008-06-25T11:23:00.000-04:00

So I lived though my birthday. Nothing really eventful happened. Just a normal weekend of:

1. Drinking large amounts of tequila
2. Going to an 80’s bar
3. Getting a lap dance
4. Dumping J

5. Sleeping on the floor next to my bed

I don’t understand…why would J get all weird about me getting a lap dance…I’m just sitting there minding my own business when some naked girl is straddling me. I did not ask her to do this. Who am I to tell her to leave. I am a nice guy and after all, I am at her business establishment. Who knows, she could be from a foreign country and this may be a custom of theirs. I sure don’t want to look like an unlearned American. She may have noticed my import beer and thought that I was from her country…It would have been really embarrassing for her if I had interrupted. Now that I think about it, she probably was foreign. I couldn’t understand a word she said, she wore some sort of tribal loin cloth and when we gave her a $5 bill she looked at it confusingly and gave us some hand signal. This girl is probably a scholar of some sort, realizing that I am a very smart gentleman, she wanted to greet me in the fashion they use in her homeland. It was such a multicultural experience. I expanded my knowledge of the world and myself.

This brings me to the reason I had to dump J. I was appalled at how narrow minded she could be. I could not possibly be with someone who was so judgmental of others customs. She does not know EVERY European custom. She simply closed her mind to the learning experience when this nice young lady went over to her and tried to greet her as she did me.

Though I am not sure that this is exactly what happened; I am pretty sure. Being the forgiving soul that I am, the next morning I acted like I completely forgot about dumping her (I didn’t want it to be awkward and I couldn’t bear to watch her cry for hours). As a matter of fact, I acted like I forgot large portions of the nights events. But what I do remember is giving one glistening star of a girl, a shot a life in America.

15 Days to Live

2008-06-05T11:46:00.000-04:00

I was just informed by my friends that my life will be ending in 15 days. I have started to compile a list of things I need to do before my final day…strangely enough, on my list of 10 things, #’s1-5 and #8 all have something to do with my penis…weird.

What‘s a man to do once he turns 25. I imagine that on that day, as the clock strikes midnight, my balls will gain 827 new wrinkles and Matlock will be my favorite show. On the upside, if I crap my pants it really isn’t that big of a deal, old people do that.

I have noticed that hangover’s last a little longer and hurt a little more….I TiVo stuff that may run past 11PM…and worst of all, I use the phrase “yeah, they’re about our age” when referring to someone who is 30.

I have a few options. I could grow a ‘stache like Burt Reynolds, I’m pretty sure he stopped aging years ago, or I could go into full denial and start telling people lies about my high school football days.

Either way, I guess I should get started on my list:

#1. Find one Asian boy………..

Dillard's

2008-05-16T13:20:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Friday bitches. Right now it is lunch time and as I sit in my office I look out the window and wonder…..did I scuff my K-Swiss’ last weekend…? I sure hope not ‘cause if I did I won’t be able to holla at the Shawtys tonight. Wait a tick…I really don’t even know what a Shawty is. I don’t even own a pair of K-Swiss’, though it seems that everyone else in Charlotte does.

My point:

Going out in Charlotte is getting really old. I see the same skanky girls every weekend…

I don’t even know how you would approach a girl like this…I’ll give it a shot:

Me-“hey that is a really nice backless shirt….Dillard’s?

Skank-*blank stare*

Me-“Yeah…this bar is great…cold beers (chuckle, look around like I hear someone call my name)

Skank-*blank stare*

Me-“ My friends are here somewhere…..Oh, hey!...You should go to Dillard’s this week…I saw a commercial and I think they are having a sale…”

Skank-*walks away*

Me- (thinking to myself) “yeah, that went well….she is going to be pleased that I told her about that sale”

Same bar…same scene every weekend…The only plus is that I do live directly across from the frattiest location in Charlotte. The only problem is that I live directly across the street... Got old very quickly…

Now that I think about it a little more…I’m not really sure if I am tired of the same bars or if I am just mad about the fact that my girlfriend doesn’t own a backless shirt. I may just buy her one.

Satin Sheets

2008-04-17T11:29:00.000-04:00

I sleep on satin sheets…….the thing is…..I have no excuse as to why I bought them. I sleep alone every night. Though I wish I was, I am not Christian Troy and I am not gay. What is wrong with me…when picking them out I even thought about the colors in my room to see if they would match. Satin sheets are only acceptable if they are red. I bought gold.

For the first time in my life I own jeans that cost over $100 and get this, they are pre-faded . I own vertically striped shirts. Charlotte is slowly killing me. Next thing you know I will have gel in my hair and think it is acceptable to wear a t-shit and a sport coat with jeans and clean sneakers. I have seen guys in the bars that have shirts on with clever sayings like “I cuddle after” and “I spoon for poon”. These people should be sterilized.

I find myself holding my breath a lot. I don’t want to catch poor. These people are all clearly infected and spend every dime they have on stuff they saw on MTV.

NEWS FLASH….your name is Allen Westerson and you are from Pennsylvania. You are not friends with Timberland or Justin Timberlake. You live in an apt that you rent for $400 a month with your friends. You have to drive 30 min to get uptown. I know you probably work someplace in the mall….maybe Pure Denim or Neiman Marcus. You tell girls you are in Sales Marketing.

Stop spreading whatever disease you have. I don’t know if I can handle more than satin sheets and expensive jeans.

Sexy

2008-04-14T14:01:00.000-04:00

Do you know the definition of sexy? Sexy is when she has to take sips of your drink because she has “X’s” on her hands. Sexy is when she gives you money at the date party because she can’t buy drinks at the bar. Sexy is when she cries because you won’t let her teddy bear sleep in the bed with the two of you anymore……uhhhhh……forget the last one…..I meant to say I know a guy that thinks that is sexy……

21 year olds can be sexy.

If I pretend she's 18….

I lived vicariously though my girlfriend for the past year and a half. I could still experience the excitement of, “does it matter that my eyes aren’t blue” and “oh shit the cops are here”.

I watched her turn from 19-20 and then 20-21…I didn’t like it one bit. How am I supposed to impress the guys now…..sure 1987 may still sound cool but the fact of the matter is she can now do everything I can do...except pee standing up and experience the fun of a random boner at work. Other than that we are equal. She can drive and vote (yeah, still not happy about the government letting women do those). She can buy tobacco and beer and if she wants a hand gun, game on.

I don’t know what I’m going to do when people ask what year she is in school and I have to say SENIOR. I could bind her feet like the Asians do to make them stop growing and her appear younger. I know, from now on when I am around she has to wear her HS senior class shirt.

Day 413

2008-02-28T12:07:00.000-05:00

Buckle up. Today we leave my small cubic world and address the meaning of a Tuesday night date. Now I’m not speaking of the first time Tuesday night drinks after work. I am talking about the Tuesday night dinner with a prior shack up in the books. I’m talking about consciously making an effort to engage in conversation and pay for dinner knowing full well that it is Tuesday, you will not be drunk, and this person is not spending the night.

I need to preface this by stating that I am not referring to myself. I am way too cool to have a Tuesday night date or to have a date period. I like to keep my evening agenda empty. You never know when the bikini team is going to stop by the apartment to pick up their oil boy…..I rotate girls by the hour…sitting down for dinner just ruins the flow….YEP all a lie. I have a girlfriend. But a guy I know…………

What I am going to do it take you through a 360 degree examination of the Tuesday night date.

Let’s start with the fact that a Tuesday date requires planning. This is lame on all accounts. Unless you are going to date the chic exclusively and you believe the “I don’t usually do this” story, it is never ok you plan an early week date.

Point number 2: You are volunteering for at least 2 hours of sober (it’s Tuesday) conversation and all you have to talk about is what you don’t do at work. Unless you juggle chainsaws or work at the animal shelter, she doesn’t care.

Point number 3: Tuesday night says, “I’ll go out with you early in the week so I can save my good date for Friday night. Oh yeah, If I see you at the bar, let me come to you”.

Point number 4: I am not saying that this is the only reason that guys go on dates, but let’s face it, it matters: She is not going to be shacking on Tuesday. End of story.

Let’s recap:

You pay
Sober conversation
She has a better date later that week
Your fingers are going to stay dry

The good news:

Busty Cops XIV comes on Cinemax at 1:30 AM

Day 399

2008-02-19T16:13:00.000-05:00

I have news. No longer will I occupy the same cube until the end of time. I am moving to a different floor and bringing with me a new job title. Analytics Manager, all in your face bitch. Yeah…that’s right…I own you now. If I come visit your company they will probably give me your parking spot for the day. It’s ok…my family is rich.

Some people around the office have made comments as to how I got the job….”he knows the owner of the company” or “he gives a good hand job”. Whatever, though both are true, neither has anything to do with the promotion. To be honest, I think word had been getting around that I play a mean ass game of Shoots and Ladders and no one wanted to step up. I guess we will never know why, but we can speculate. Below I have provided a list of why I may have gotten a promotion:

1. I smell amazing
2. I own every Ninja Turtle VHS
3. I used to have lights in my shoes
4. I started masturbating in 3rd grade
5. I can hold my breath for well over 27 seconds
6. I write my name in all caps

These are just a few possibilities. If you need me, I’ll be in a meeting.

Day 391

2008-02-11T11:15:00.000-05:00

Alright Alright, ladies and Gentleman, all the way from California….putting the rice in your roni…on stage 3...its MONDAY!….be sure to tip the girls and your waitress….

Yes folks Monday is a stripper!

You don't agree?

OK, let me break it down for you…think about it this way…Saturday is equivalent to walking into the strip club….yeah flashing lights, great times, and oooooo they have a drink special….your palms are a little sweaty because this is all so dangerous. You are alive and have no cares in the world…who knows what could happen.

Cut to…jump ahead…its Sunday…Yeahhhhhhh, sitting down…you have good seats you relax a little…this is going to be great…yeah I think I went to high school with that girl…isn’t that her mom too? Anyways….the girls are so close and they are all perfect 10’s. Yeah Sunday has never moved so smoothly and looked so good…..

Then SLAP….its Monday…you have a $140 tab….you have a stain on your pants….. and Monday is sitting on your lap with her crooked smile right in your face….there is no way out…..you knew it was coming the whole time…..this happens every time and it is impossible to stop. You sit and bear it while you all of your dignity and self respect is pulled from your body with one slimy tongue to the neck…..did you just get a visual?

Maybe next weekend I’ll just go salsa dancing.