Day 399

I have news. No longer will I occupy the same cube until the end of time. I am moving to a different floor and bringing with me a new job title. Analytics Manager, all in your face bitch. Yeah…that’s right…I own you now. If I come visit your company they will probably give me your parking spot for the day. It’s ok…my family is rich.

Some people around the office have made comments as to how I got the job….”he knows the owner of the company” or “he gives a good hand job”. Whatever, though both are true, neither has anything to do with the promotion. To be honest, I think word had been getting around that I play a mean ass game of Shoots and Ladders and no one wanted to step up. I guess we will never know why, but we can speculate. Below I have provided a list of why I may have gotten a promotion:

1. I smell amazing
2. I own every Ninja Turtle VHS
3. I used to have lights in my shoes
4. I started masturbating in 3rd grade
5. I can hold my breath for well over 27 seconds
6. I write my name in all caps

These are just a few possibilities. If you need me, I’ll be in a meeting.