Day 413

Buckle up. Today we leave my small cubic world and address the meaning of a Tuesday night date. Now I’m not speaking of the first time Tuesday night drinks after work. I am talking about the Tuesday night dinner with a prior shack up in the books. I’m talking about consciously making an effort to engage in conversation and pay for dinner knowing full well that it is Tuesday, you will not be drunk, and this person is not spending the night.

I need to preface this by stating that I am not referring to myself. I am way too cool to have a Tuesday night date or to have a date period. I like to keep my evening agenda empty. You never know when the bikini team is going to stop by the apartment to pick up their oil boy…..I rotate girls by the hour…sitting down for dinner just ruins the flow….YEP all a lie. I have a girlfriend. But a guy I know…………

What I am going to do it take you through a 360 degree examination of the Tuesday night date.

Let’s start with the fact that a Tuesday date requires planning. This is lame on all accounts. Unless you are going to date the chic exclusively and you believe the “I don’t usually do this” story, it is never ok you plan an early week date.

Point number 2: You are volunteering for at least 2 hours of sober (it’s Tuesday) conversation and all you have to talk about is what you don’t do at work. Unless you juggle chainsaws or work at the animal shelter, she doesn’t care.

Point number 3: Tuesday night says, “I’ll go out with you early in the week so I can save my good date for Friday night. Oh yeah, If I see you at the bar, let me come to you”.

Point number 4: I am not saying that this is the only reason that guys go on dates, but let’s face it, it matters: She is not going to be shacking on Tuesday. End of story.

Let’s recap:

You pay
Sober conversation
She has a better date later that week
Your fingers are going to stay dry

The good news:

Busty Cops XIV comes on Cinemax at 1:30 AM

Day 399

I have news. No longer will I occupy the same cube until the end of time. I am moving to a different floor and bringing with me a new job title. Analytics Manager, all in your face bitch. Yeah…that’s right…I own you now. If I come visit your company they will probably give me your parking spot for the day. It’s ok…my family is rich.

Some people around the office have made comments as to how I got the job….”he knows the owner of the company” or “he gives a good hand job”. Whatever, though both are true, neither has anything to do with the promotion. To be honest, I think word had been getting around that I play a mean ass game of Shoots and Ladders and no one wanted to step up. I guess we will never know why, but we can speculate. Below I have provided a list of why I may have gotten a promotion:

1. I smell amazing
2. I own every Ninja Turtle VHS
3. I used to have lights in my shoes
4. I started masturbating in 3rd grade
5. I can hold my breath for well over 27 seconds
6. I write my name in all caps

These are just a few possibilities. If you need me, I’ll be in a meeting.

Day 391

Alright Alright, ladies and Gentleman, all the way from California….putting the rice in your roni…on stage 3...its MONDAY!….be sure to tip the girls and your waitress….

Yes folks Monday is a stripper!

You don't agree?

OK, let me break it down for you…think about it this way…Saturday is equivalent to walking into the strip club….yeah flashing lights, great times, and oooooo they have a drink special….your palms are a little sweaty because this is all so dangerous. You are alive and have no cares in the world…who knows what could happen.

Cut to…jump ahead…its Sunday…Yeahhhhhhh, sitting down…you have good seats you relax a little…this is going to be great…yeah I think I went to high school with that girl…isn’t that her mom too? Anyways….the girls are so close and they are all perfect 10’s. Yeah Sunday has never moved so smoothly and looked so good…..

Then SLAP….its Monday…you have a $140 tab….you have a stain on your pants….. and Monday is sitting on your lap with her crooked smile right in your face….there is no way out…..you knew it was coming the whole time…..this happens every time and it is impossible to stop. You sit and bear it while you all of your dignity and self respect is pulled from your body with one slimy tongue to the neck…..did you just get a visual?

Maybe next weekend I’ll just go salsa dancing.

Day 387

It's 8 AM here on the East Coast and I feel like I have eye lids made of lead…..not because they are a soft metal with the atomic number of 82….but because I can barely keep them from slamming down every time they are opened….

Are you ready for this?... Last night was AMAZING and totally worth my exhaustion….Here it goes….I got off work at around 5:15ish and went home…I was so pumped…I had been waiting all day for this….I knew I had a big night ahead so I jumped into bed for a quick 1 hour nap….I was going to need my energy….After waking up I made a small dinner….not too much….I didn’t have time….This is the part where you might think, “HOLY CRAP…..this kid is extreme….” Well let me tell you sir….I am but a man made of flesh and bone just like yourself….I gathered my supplies….There would be no time to get them later….Walking with the confidence of Iapetus the Titan; father of Atlas, Epimetheus, and Prometheus, I sat down on the couch and for the next 2:48 I watched Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At Worlds End…….WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME…..How am I ever going to keep pace with my 20 year old lady friend….I call when I’m getting in bed and 9 times out of 10 this is how the conversation goes…..

PP: Hello my lady and what might you be doing at this hour of the evening
JF: WHHAATTTTTT....I CANT HEAR YOU…….JAGER BOMBS……I AM SOOOOOO DRUNK
PP: I was calling so that we might have a conversation about tax reform or foreign policy
JF: I can’t feel my face..hahaha….I just remembered that I forgot to put panties on tonight...oops!

The only reason I don’t run as fast as I can into a brick wall is because I know that people like you just read this so you must not have anything really exciting going on either.

Day 384 of the Rest of My Life

I really pondered the possibility of starting a blog....who wants to read about my life in a 7 X 6 cube?......this is more for my sanity than your enjoyment so deal with it....

The title says it all......I have been stuck in a cube for 384 days so far...(less the weekends)......but don't feel sorry for me, I am in love.....she is thin and black and loves when I push all the right buttons...I call her Dell-icious or Dell for short.....though she doesn’t say much, she doesn't need to.....all day long she lets me touch her in ways no others do.......9 hours a day we just stare at each other as my fingers do the work.....we have something special that no one can take away....Here is a run down of my day.....

8 AM: The short walk into the building from my parking spot is the time that I take to get "pumped" for the day.....Walking though the door I give Veronica (recently divorced) a wink....she is always wearing a very low cut shirt and can't seem to keep her pencil from dropping out of her hand as I walk by....We make small talk as she bites her bottom lip and hands me my files for the day.....I fight to make eye contact.....[OK, I totally made that up in hopes that you would keep reading.......Veronica, is in fact, a middle aged black man that waves to me as I walk by...if he bit his bottom lip while talking to me I would probably start to cry. The low cut shirt part is 100% factual.] After hanging my coat I make my rounds though the office and high five everyone I see....I AM BMOC......Yeah....I did close 3 deals yesterday and I'll probably do 4 today.....

9 AM: I sit down with Dell and we begin to flirt.....I turn her on right away....I can tell because she starts glowing.....FACE TIME! Yep, time to check the mini feed.....ooooo looks like someone posted pictures....I can go ahead and pencil that in for around 2pm......Because of how cool I am, it usually take about an hour to write back to all the wall posts I have....don't rush me bro....gotta keep this shit witty.

10 AM-12 PM: This is where it gets good.......Crunch time baby.........I run reports that are completely unnecessary......but it looks damn good.....I have all kinds of useless info over here.....you need a pie chart? I have 2!......what about a bar graph.....yeah I can work one of those in there.......I always look busy.......Name repetition, quickest way to the top.At about 12 I start pre-gaming for lunch.....yep, I have my visa.....just incase someone broke into my apt, walked into my room and took it out of my pants pocket and was nice enough to replace my wallet...you never know......After arranging my pens and post-its I have a solid 29 minutes to decide what horrible chain restaurant I will be visiting......the choice is usually made by deducting what places wont make me hope that no one smells that later.

2 PM: OK, back from lunch......just kidding...I really don’t take 2 hour lunches but I do stretch my hour every once in a while...ohhhh....hell yeah it is 2 o'clock time to check out those newly posted pictures......with any luck I'll see some side boob...I wont bore you with the rest of my day....but this is about as exciting as it gets.....is this really what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life....maybe I will purchase a hermit crab to keep in my pocket.....that would keep it interesting....I could always liven up the day by building a paper clip chain or use my electric letter opener to make confetti....or I could gouge my eyes out with a Sharpie....I have options