Champagne Wishes and Caviar Dreams

I'm moving on up.

I just bought the website:

www.youcantbeme.com

If you need me i'll be on the veranda.

I've Got Answers

So along with all the hate mail and marriage proposals, I randomly get emails asking my advice. Who else to let you know if poor is contagious, what is acceptable only when drunk and if fat girls will really do more stuff.

I've been there folks. I am your regular fratstar Dear Abby. So shoot me a few questions. I'll do my best to make sure you stay on your A game and don't get caught up in mix of $30,000 millionaires.

Drop me a note at:

liveinacube@gmail.com

Letter To My Future Wife

Hey GF,

OMG, I can’t W8 to be your BF. ;)~. You are totes the gurl for me. @---‘--- (a flower for you)! My BFF’s and I have been chillin all day at my rents place playing MASH. GREAT NEWS. You are going to be hot. We will have 2 kids, live in a mansion, and drive a Corvette! At least that is what the game told me LOL. What is the 411 on that boi in your class? J/K I I don’t really care LMAO. WTF….another spelling test this week?!? Your teacher is such a B! Just an FYI, don’t hang out with the gurl that rides the bus. She has a bad case of the poor.

Tlk2uL8r!

P

Ps. No one know how to make a cursive “Z” so it’s kewl!

Translation (for everyone over 13)

Hello,

I wanted to write you and say hi. Someday we will meet each other and fall desperately in love. Until then I can only wait and hope that the path you are on is the quickest path to me. I know you will meet other men before me, that’s ok. You will face many choices in life: where you will live, the school you will attend and the career path you take. Whatever life brings you make sure to choose your friends wisely. People judge you by the company you keep.

All my love,

Patrick

Ps. All of the previously stated becomes null and void if you are fat. Kisses.

Mail Bag

Have a look at a few of the emails and comments I have received after each blog. I hope you enjoy these as much as I do.

_________________________

via Reblog

ARMYCHI******

YOURE SNOBBY FOR SAYING THAT. THERES TONS OF "POOR" PEOPLE WHO MAKE IT SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE. I'M ONE OF THEM . IF I WERE YOU I' d THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. Rude PPL LIKE YOU ARE UNATTRACTIVE.


Congrats ArmyC, you clearly “make it successful in life”. I was wrong. Now I’m embarrassed in front of all of my friends.


____________________________________________________________

via Gmail

Ta****** 12:25 PM

just read it
i love it
i now judge them by the level of hatred --- super hating you

Ta***** 12:28 PM

and wanting you
drives me crazy how they go together like that

2 points me.

____________________________________________________________

via Hotmail

Am**********

I don’t know who you are. But I know what you stand for. You are the reason that people don’t get ahead in life. You are the reason that women feel BAD about how they look. What gives you the right to judge. Do you think because you are SOOOOO RICh that you decide how everything should be? Well wake up. The best things in life are not young girls and nice clothes. I hope someday you grow up. Prick.


Me: I’ll take things in life for $800

Alex: Answer: Young girls and nice clothes.

Me: What are the best things

Alex: Correct for $800

Nice try Trebek

____________________________________________________________


via comment section on my blog

D****

While your blog is somewhat funny, it would be a very interesting social experiment to see what would happen if you ever moved to a real city. If you are around enough 6's you may feel like a 10 in comparison, but what if you upped the ante and were around a larger portion of the best and the brightest? It would be interesting to see how your observations, rhetoric, and swagger would hold up and whether the substance underneath is really as strong as your writing makes it seem

J******
Bro, you just got served!!!

I did in fact, get served. The good news: I know that I will never take public transportation.
____________________________________________________________

via comment section on my blog

Wasb*************

oh my gosh.. my mom and I about pissed our pants reading that.. and i read a bunch of the others.. You are too funny! Write more.. i need a weekly laugh from you!

Mother AND daughter pissing themselves at the same time!?! Someone read my diary.

____________________________________________________________

via Hotmail

BL*********

FUCK YOU

Short and to the point. Well-done.
____________________________________________________________

via comment section on my blog


C*****

I'm a breasts man. Typically girls with large breast eat healthy, so I say have all the chips you want as long as I can have some milk.

This makes me glad people only have my email and not my address.
____________________________________________________________

via Gmail

K***********
If your picture is really you in your Blog profile then you can saw what ever you want. PS im 20 is that too old?

Sorry I never got back to you. A few follow up questions.
1. Do you have an opinion?
2. Pearls and a sweater?
3. Is everything clearly defined for you as an “entry” or an “exit”?

The Draft

Get your pen and paper ready. You’ve heard of March Madness, well next month is May Madness. All the hottest recruits will be reviewing scholarship offers, weighing their opportunities and making their announcement. This time of year always gets me going. Last year’s draft went well but this year the sky is the limit.

The typical recruit comes in freshman year with little “big game” experience. They don’t know the playbook or the new rules of the game. This is a whole new league. Quotes such as:

“I don’t know this move”
“I’ve never worked this hard”
“Is that legal?”

can be heard from all of the newbie’s.

That’s right everyone. It is the High School Draft. Girls from all over the country will decide what higher leaning facility will allow them the best opportunity to meet a man and become engaged by end of the third season. With their championship ring and MRS degree attained in just 3 short years they will have time for more important things like learning how to pour a scotch and making me a sandwich.

This is not an easy league though. There is stiff competition (ha ha ha I said “stiff”). Yes, you may have a cable knit and a 3 series but so does the next girl. What sets you apart?

You were on the dance team in High School? Your dad never hugged you? You don’t understand what’s the big deal about a blow job?

Did you just say you are walking to your car alone later? You just became a first round pick.

Just a heads up to the rookies. Play hard. Impress the other team. But don’t get injured freshman year. No one signs a long term contract with a girl that has played for the competition.

Last thing, please do all of us coaches a favor. When you ask for graduation gifts, put monogrammed pillow cases at the top of the list. We need to at least have a good shot at remembering the name of all the players on our team.

Dinner for None

Spring just hit Charlotte. Perfect times for outdoor drinking, bacci ball and girls in skirts. You know the ones the defy physics. They’re made out of that t-shirt material and no matter how hard the wind blows they go up only enough to piss you off.

Anyway, I was at the mall picking up some new deck shoes and linen pants when I walked past a line of people that all seemed to be waiting in line for a NASCAR event. What the fuck was going on. Dale Earnhardt must have risen from the grave and is personally giving everyone an OTPHJ (over the pants hand job). I continued around the corner and ,fuck me, it is a Ruby FUCKING Tuesdays. What are these people thinking? Are they really waiting in line to eat at a restaurant that is attached to a mall? Rule #7 in not looking like Best Buy employee of the month. Never eat at a restaurant that is attached to a mall.

For everyone that just said, “but Cheese Cake Factory is attached to a mall”, please send me your address and I will personally drive to your house (where ever you have parked it that week) and give you $20 to punch you in the face. Furthermore, if you just thought about if you would let me punch you for $20, stop reading. I hope you are sterile and are never able to reproduce.

Seeing these people made me wonder, “Does Olive Garden have too long of a wait?”

I can hear it now:

“Well, gee ma. You think we cen jus sher one of dem bottomless pasta bowls?”
“does 8.99 include tax?”
“if we ask for no salad can we get a discount?”

Where do these people come from? I have a guess. They come from neighborhoods that don’t have names. “The Shady Tree Trailer Park” doesn’t count. If your house is not from an esteemed neighborhood with a gate and a name you probably fall for tricks like:

1. Kids eat free (if you can’t afford to pay for your kids meal maybe you should not be reproducing). Poor.
2. “Bottomless” or “endless”, how long has it been since your last meal that you need to count on dinner being never ending? Get a job, Poor Fail.
3. Catchy names. No successful man has ever ordered a meal that is called “Zippy Chicken Swingers”.
4. Did you see a commercial for a special they have? When was the last time you saw a commercial for a Country Club. If something is really that good they don’t need to advertise.

The last of the poor test is this . If you have ever eaten at a restaurant that has replaced “ing” with just the letter “n” (e.g. Flamin’, Jumpin’, Bloomin’, Rockin’) you are no friend of mine.

Don’t come into my fratosphere with your Lee jeans and oversized wallet. Is that a $50 bill sticking out? Someone must have had a birthday! Maybe if you tell the waitress the will bring a free slice of cake and 7 forks.

The Ride

This is part two in the five part series depicting the girls that will never get a second date. I have sat down several times to write this blog. Each time I became too enraged and had to relax by driving though the projects while throwing copies of my W2 from my car. You should see the faces of the people as they stare at all those zeros.

Background:

This girl has been in my social group for a while but always on the outer ring. Hot, but knows it. Skinny, with just enough plastic to let me know that she once hated herself. Did you expect otherwise?

7PM Thursday Night:

I jump in the truck and start on my way to her uptown Condo. Fact: if she lives in a place (other than a house) that allows you to park for free turn around. Parking fees help filter out the poor. Think about it, people get mugged walking to their cars. If they weren’t so fucking poor they would have spent the $4 to park in the garage and wouldn’t have had their GO phone stolen.

Back to the story. It has been a while since I have worn them, but this is a chic that definitely likes a guy in 7 Jeans ( told you, Charlotte has changed me a bit). I have on a crispy polo fresh from the dry cleaners. Fact, I am looking good. She meets me at the bottom of the elevator and we head up stairs for a pre-dinner drink.

The night starts off slow, she isn’t much of a talker (knows her place). We speed though our cocktails and start on the second. Little more talking. 3 cocktails down. Reservations are at 8:30. This girls isn’t going to make it if we don’t leave now. We get down to my truck and I open her door. This makes her smile like I just told her we could be facebook friends.

As we pull out of the garage I put on the radio for a little silence filler. Then it starts. Just a little hum. Nothing big, but I notice. Things are fine, we get to a stop light and then she pours it on. I am sitting next to mother fucking Rihanna junior. She starts singing like it is American Idol and I'm Simon fucking Cowell.

Now let me be clear. I don’t mind fun singing in the car after a few drinks or when driving back from the bars. But chics, if you are 24 (yeah I know she is old as shit) and you don’t have an album, chances are you suck. You are the only one who thinks you are a good singer.

I turn up the radio to drown her out and Rihanna Junior just gets louder. She starts with the squinty eyes and some hand movement. I may have to Chris Brown her ass. It doesn’t stop. No joke, Taylor Swift is sing, “ Romeo save me, I’ve been feeling so……” I can’t hear the radio. I’m trapped. This is before dinner.

There is no saving her now. I am cashed. She could give me a hand job (with full eye contact) during dinner as I eat my Mediterranean Pasta and I still would rather be watching my grandparents make out. Did you get a visual?

A few days later I get a text. "Had a lot of fun. Should do it again -T. Swift."

I learned so much about her in that short drive.

1. She thinks she is great.
2. She is the girl that sings Karaoke seriously. You know the one who chooses Carrie Underwood while everyone else is singing Aerosmith.
3. The plastic work is only a temporary fix for an inevitable collapse when she finds out that not only was she born looking like a boy, but she also has a voice like one.

Who has ever heard of a naturally good looking confident woman. Honestly. The reason why you are good looking is because you are worried about what guys like me think. THIS IS A GOOD THING. Once you start having things like “opinions” and “thoughts” it all goes downhill. The only things you need for success are a nice cable knit sweater, pearl earrings (not the cultured bullshit, we know the difference) and low self-esteem. Remember these things and you will be rewarded with a divorce at the age of 35, full custody and 50% of all my possessions.

If you ever get that feeling to sing just look at the W2 on my seat and imagine half of it is yours.

Frat-tivities

With the weather becoming nice I wanted to inform you of several do’s and don’ts pertaining to summer fun. I will provide a list of warm weather activities that will assure you don’t appear to be a douche or poor.

The first of the acceptable events:

Tennis

Where else can you put on a collar and short shorts and participate in an athletic past time? I like to show up in all white just so you know I’m fresh. In my bag I keep the necessities; my racket, tennis balls, water bottle, The Wall Street Journal and my resume. I’ll probably close a deal before I leave.

Girls, there are only 2 times that it is acceptable for you to wear a short skirt and grunt loudly.

1. At the tennis court.
2. Did I mention I have satin sheets?

Weddings

The adult date party. Put on a tux, head to the CC. Time for an open bar and taking advantage of girls that have a new found hope for love. Put a few shots in her hand, twirl her around the dance floor, next thing you know she is telling her friends that you remind her of the movie A Walk to Remember.

Girls, pretend you are drunk and we’ll pretend that “(you) really don’t usually do this”.

Frat Sodas

Any bar with an outdoor seating area is prime real-estate to sit back and enjoy a relaxing beer. The benefit is that you can drink at a bar without being forced to see My New Hair Cut. During the daylight hours these guidos stay in polishing their sneakers and ironing their dragon print shirts.

With this being said there are several activities that are not acceptable.

Running with your shirt off

Though I don’t condone running at all, I realize that after college something needs to be done to keep in shape. But under no circumstances is it ok to have your shirt off while running though the neighborhood. A cotton t-shirt does not make you sweat more. NO EXCUSES. Everyone owns a t-shirt, put one on. My former stance on running was that it is only acceptable if being chased by killer bees or……well nothing else. If you think about it, how cool can you look while running. Nothing is important enough to run to. Do you know who I am? Whatever it is it can wait for me.

Frisbee Golf

I hope you get hit by a car. Enough said.

And worst of all, Tanning in public

I don't care who you are, what you do or who your parents know. It is never ok to publicly lay out. You look like an idiot. Yeah, sweet, everyone knows you have an awesome tribal band on your arm. Congrats, while you were working on those abs all winter I was keeping your girlfriend warm. Did you know friction causes heat? Didn't think so.

Keep laying out. Your girlfriend has a short skirt and doesn't play tennis.

Check Please

So after a couple months of being single, I have some insight to offer. This will take the thinking out of whether or not a girl gets a second date. Being that I am incredibly good looking and wealthy she was lucky to get the first date. This is part one in a five part series that will evaluate the 5 girls that don’t get a second date. Print this; put it in your pocket. You may need to reread this in the bathroom while you leave her at the table.

The Salsa Refill Girl

So it's a first date and totally acceptable to go to a Mexican restaurant.

STOP: Get those poor thoughts out of your head. Not the Mexican restaurant that sell a piss flavored Margarita. I’m talking about the one that has servers that speak English. If you have never been to one of these please stop reading now. You are wasting time when you should probably be mowing someone’s lawn for extra money.

So back to the Salsa Refill Girl.

You walk in and are seated. Chances are you look like a frat star (like myself) and they want to put you near the front so people walking in can see beautiful people eat here. Sitting down she will most likely begin to tell you about some crap job she has, eg. “I just really love the way the children smile at me after their visit to the museum.”. This is actually what you hear, “I just really blah blah blah POOR blah blah POOR blah museum.”

NEWS FLASH! Babe, if you not topless, I’m not listening.

As the date progress you begin to think Patrick Bateman thoughts, “You're a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death, and then play around with your blood.”After a few minutes you notice that she is looking around franticly. Has she forgotten her name and where she is? Did she just think she saw the father that used to beat her? Maybe she has to shit and is looking for the closest potted plant. Then you realize what it is. This chic has eaten the fuck out of a basket of chip and practically chugged the salsa. Yes, all of it. The green and the red kind.

Does she not realize that you are about to purchase a meal for her? The chips are simply something to decorate the table and make it look festive. Maybe one or two are acceptable but they are not meant to be a substitute for an appetizer.

She won’t stop looking around. She puts her hand up to any waiter or waitress that walks buy. It doesn’t matter if they are on the other side of the room. SHE NEEDS TO FEED. Something is wrong here. You never expected this. How does she eat this much and stay so skinny? A smile works across your face. You had stumbled across a purger. Wait, focus. Yes she will be skinny her whole life but she will eventually lose her hair and her teeth will be grey (small smile again). No, you have to get out of this.

You have two options:

1. Stab yourself in the hand with your fork.
2. Excuse yourself to the bathroom and leave.

Don’t worry. She won’t notice you have left until there is another heaping basket of chips and bowl of salsa to calm her down.

You are free. Needless to say, she is not second date material.

Time to Buy

Ok everyone, it is the beginning of a new year. Time to start counting down until your next raise, looking for a new car and most importantly updating your portfolio. The third is where I come in. Your investments are important and if you follow my advice I can promise you the highest returns you have seen in years. It‘s a Bullish Market, don’t miss your time to buy.

So I imagine that by now you are sitting on the edge of your seat wanting that hot tip to make your year.

Well here it is:

It‘s a small firm founded 18 years ago. It’s employees, though not as experienced as other companies show room for major growth this fiscal year. This company has the potential to outperform all of its leading competitors but is previously untested. You ask, why has no one else snatched up this companies holdings. Until five days ago, due to government restrictions, they were not publicly traded. A few under the table deals happened but nothing note worthy.

Without further ado I give you 2009’s portfolio pick of the year: NNO

That is correct folks, Nineteen Ninety-One (NNO). Yes, after 18 years of waiting; its anticipated release it is finally here.

You asked me 5 years ago; “Patrick, why do you go to the ice-cream socials at the club rather than the driving range to work on your game?”

Research.

So that I might share with you the wonders of the trade. While you drank at the bars on Friday I was at the skating rink. While you slept in on Saturday mornings I was at the soccer fields. You told me, “Patrick, watching Dora the Explorer is gay.” Well who is gay now my friend. I have the single largest NNO portfolio in the nation.

No longer is it “frowned upon” to hit on a girl from ’91. Just 4 short years ago, I was catching flack from other investors. “Dude, she has braces”, and “Hey, maybe you shouldn’t be dating a middle schooler”….I heard you then, but look at me now.

I know what you are thinking: “This guy is a pioneer”

I am a man. Flesh and bone but follow me and I will show you things you could only imagine.