The Ride

This is part two in the five part series depicting the girls that will never get a second date. I have sat down several times to write this blog. Each time I became too enraged and had to relax by driving though the projects while throwing copies of my W2 from my car. You should see the faces of the people as they stare at all those zeros.

Background:

This girl has been in my social group for a while but always on the outer ring. Hot, but knows it. Skinny, with just enough plastic to let me know that she once hated herself. Did you expect otherwise?

7PM Thursday Night:

I jump in the truck and start on my way to her uptown Condo. Fact: if she lives in a place (other than a house) that allows you to park for free turn around. Parking fees help filter out the poor. Think about it, people get mugged walking to their cars. If they weren’t so fucking poor they would have spent the $4 to park in the garage and wouldn’t have had their GO phone stolen.

Back to the story. It has been a while since I have worn them, but this is a chic that definitely likes a guy in 7 Jeans ( told you, Charlotte has changed me a bit). I have on a crispy polo fresh from the dry cleaners. Fact, I am looking good. She meets me at the bottom of the elevator and we head up stairs for a pre-dinner drink.

The night starts off slow, she isn’t much of a talker (knows her place). We speed though our cocktails and start on the second. Little more talking. 3 cocktails down. Reservations are at 8:30. This girls isn’t going to make it if we don’t leave now. We get down to my truck and I open her door. This makes her smile like I just told her we could be facebook friends.

As we pull out of the garage I put on the radio for a little silence filler. Then it starts. Just a little hum. Nothing big, but I notice. Things are fine, we get to a stop light and then she pours it on. I am sitting next to mother fucking Rihanna junior. She starts singing like it is American Idol and I'm Simon fucking Cowell.

Now let me be clear. I don’t mind fun singing in the car after a few drinks or when driving back from the bars. But chics, if you are 24 (yeah I know she is old as shit) and you don’t have an album, chances are you suck. You are the only one who thinks you are a good singer.

I turn up the radio to drown her out and Rihanna Junior just gets louder. She starts with the squinty eyes and some hand movement. I may have to Chris Brown her ass. It doesn’t stop. No joke, Taylor Swift is sing, “ Romeo save me, I’ve been feeling so……” I can’t hear the radio. I’m trapped. This is before dinner.

There is no saving her now. I am cashed. She could give me a hand job (with full eye contact) during dinner as I eat my Mediterranean Pasta and I still would rather be watching my grandparents make out. Did you get a visual?

A few days later I get a text. "Had a lot of fun. Should do it again -T. Swift."

I learned so much about her in that short drive.

1. She thinks she is great.
2. She is the girl that sings Karaoke seriously. You know the one who chooses Carrie Underwood while everyone else is singing Aerosmith.
3. The plastic work is only a temporary fix for an inevitable collapse when she finds out that not only was she born looking like a boy, but she also has a voice like one.

Who has ever heard of a naturally good looking confident woman. Honestly. The reason why you are good looking is because you are worried about what guys like me think. THIS IS A GOOD THING. Once you start having things like “opinions” and “thoughts” it all goes downhill. The only things you need for success are a nice cable knit sweater, pearl earrings (not the cultured bullshit, we know the difference) and low self-esteem. Remember these things and you will be rewarded with a divorce at the age of 35, full custody and 50% of all my possessions.

If you ever get that feeling to sing just look at the W2 on my seat and imagine half of it is yours.

Frat-tivities

With the weather becoming nice I wanted to inform you of several do’s and don’ts pertaining to summer fun. I will provide a list of warm weather activities that will assure you don’t appear to be a douche or poor.

The first of the acceptable events:

Tennis

Where else can you put on a collar and short shorts and participate in an athletic past time? I like to show up in all white just so you know I’m fresh. In my bag I keep the necessities; my racket, tennis balls, water bottle, The Wall Street Journal and my resume. I’ll probably close a deal before I leave.

Girls, there are only 2 times that it is acceptable for you to wear a short skirt and grunt loudly.

1. At the tennis court.
2. Did I mention I have satin sheets?

Weddings

The adult date party. Put on a tux, head to the CC. Time for an open bar and taking advantage of girls that have a new found hope for love. Put a few shots in her hand, twirl her around the dance floor, next thing you know she is telling her friends that you remind her of the movie A Walk to Remember.

Girls, pretend you are drunk and we’ll pretend that “(you) really don’t usually do this”.

Frat Sodas

Any bar with an outdoor seating area is prime real-estate to sit back and enjoy a relaxing beer. The benefit is that you can drink at a bar without being forced to see My New Hair Cut. During the daylight hours these guidos stay in polishing their sneakers and ironing their dragon print shirts.

With this being said there are several activities that are not acceptable.

Running with your shirt off

Though I don’t condone running at all, I realize that after college something needs to be done to keep in shape. But under no circumstances is it ok to have your shirt off while running though the neighborhood. A cotton t-shirt does not make you sweat more. NO EXCUSES. Everyone owns a t-shirt, put one on. My former stance on running was that it is only acceptable if being chased by killer bees or……well nothing else. If you think about it, how cool can you look while running. Nothing is important enough to run to. Do you know who I am? Whatever it is it can wait for me.

Frisbee Golf

I hope you get hit by a car. Enough said.

And worst of all, Tanning in public

I don't care who you are, what you do or who your parents know. It is never ok to publicly lay out. You look like an idiot. Yeah, sweet, everyone knows you have an awesome tribal band on your arm. Congrats, while you were working on those abs all winter I was keeping your girlfriend warm. Did you know friction causes heat? Didn't think so.

Keep laying out. Your girlfriend has a short skirt and doesn't play tennis.

Check Please

So after a couple months of being single, I have some insight to offer. This will take the thinking out of whether or not a girl gets a second date. Being that I am incredibly good looking and wealthy she was lucky to get the first date. This is part one in a five part series that will evaluate the 5 girls that don’t get a second date. Print this; put it in your pocket. You may need to reread this in the bathroom while you leave her at the table.

The Salsa Refill Girl

So it's a first date and totally acceptable to go to a Mexican restaurant.

STOP: Get those poor thoughts out of your head. Not the Mexican restaurant that sell a piss flavored Margarita. I’m talking about the one that has servers that speak English. If you have never been to one of these please stop reading now. You are wasting time when you should probably be mowing someone’s lawn for extra money.

So back to the Salsa Refill Girl.

You walk in and are seated. Chances are you look like a frat star (like myself) and they want to put you near the front so people walking in can see beautiful people eat here. Sitting down she will most likely begin to tell you about some crap job she has, eg. “I just really love the way the children smile at me after their visit to the museum.”. This is actually what you hear, “I just really blah blah blah POOR blah blah POOR blah museum.”

NEWS FLASH! Babe, if you not topless, I’m not listening.

As the date progress you begin to think Patrick Bateman thoughts, “You're a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death, and then play around with your blood.”After a few minutes you notice that she is looking around franticly. Has she forgotten her name and where she is? Did she just think she saw the father that used to beat her? Maybe she has to shit and is looking for the closest potted plant. Then you realize what it is. This chic has eaten the fuck out of a basket of chip and practically chugged the salsa. Yes, all of it. The green and the red kind.

Does she not realize that you are about to purchase a meal for her? The chips are simply something to decorate the table and make it look festive. Maybe one or two are acceptable but they are not meant to be a substitute for an appetizer.

She won’t stop looking around. She puts her hand up to any waiter or waitress that walks buy. It doesn’t matter if they are on the other side of the room. SHE NEEDS TO FEED. Something is wrong here. You never expected this. How does she eat this much and stay so skinny? A smile works across your face. You had stumbled across a purger. Wait, focus. Yes she will be skinny her whole life but she will eventually lose her hair and her teeth will be grey (small smile again). No, you have to get out of this.

You have two options:

1. Stab yourself in the hand with your fork.
2. Excuse yourself to the bathroom and leave.

Don’t worry. She won’t notice you have left until there is another heaping basket of chips and bowl of salsa to calm her down.

You are free. Needless to say, she is not second date material.