So Much for Survival of the Fittest

The orthodontist said it was because your jaw was not wide enough. Your mom told you it was, “because you got your dads smile.” Your grandmother told you that no one even noticed. If you want the truth come to me.

I know why you had braces. Are you ready for the answer?

Bad breeding.

Somewhere down the line, you have a little bit of poor in you. Some more than others. You are probably blind to the fact that, due to you crappy genetics, you have several other very obvious features that let me know your family probably share cropped for my family:

1. Your facial hair is red. There are two problems with this. 1) Your hair doesn’t match 2) Besides Ron Howard, who has red hair and is rich?
2. You have hair that grows on your back. Questions?
3. You know that mousy kind of face that poor people have? Trick question! If you answered “no” you are poor and you probably have one of those mousy faces.
4. You are prone to sun burn. Jesus loves rich people so he allows them to become golden brown and beautiful. Is it a coincidence that hell is hot and poor people burn? I think not.


How does it feel now that you know your father(6) was a serf back when my father(6) was eating over sized turkey legs in his castle. NO….not the over sized turkey legs that you buy at the fair (I saw it in a movie once). The fact that you just thought of the fair is another sign you are poor.

Note: Glasses are acceptable. The print is very small in The Wall Street Journal.

You Can't Be Me

OK…before I get started, did anyone realize that they are now printing $100 bills with big faces on them. All of mine have small faces….weird.

So the other day I was walking around the grocery store while on the phone with the girlfriends sister…yeah, high five! We were talking about our careers and shooting the shit about what the other was picking up for dinner. Wondering around, I noticed that the South Charlotte store was full of FratStars.

Wha?

I will not be out done…every move I make is strategically planned to make me better than you. You will never be on my level.

Freaking out, I immediately looked down into my basket.

“Do I have any off brand food? Was that on sale?”

Not a chance. There is a reason California Pizza Kitchen makes a pizza….it is not because their frozen pizza taste better than the rest. It is strictly for image. That pizza is very similar to a Louis Vuitton bag in the mall. Yeah, any old bag would work. But news flash, IM NOT FUCKING POOR.

That is exactly the message that my pizza sends.

I continue to walk around. “Oh, great news, Burberry makes waffles. I’ll get some of those with Vineyard Vines syrup. Scratch that, no one wants to smell like the fat kid in elementary school (put the syrup back).”

As I check out I glance around at others in the checkout lanes (never use the self checkout line. Who uses the self check lane? All together now….POOR PEOPLE).

“Ha ha ha…that girl is buying Deer Park water.”

If it isn’t in glass or a square plastic bottle it doesn’t touch my hand.

Two lanes down a guy handed his keys to the check out girl. She scanned some plastic card that gave him discounts. I squinted to look harder. Nope, he was not 87. Therefore this is unacceptable FratStar behavior. Be 100% sure that if ever hand someone my keys I fully expect them to pull my fucking car to the door.

Now that I have given myself a chance to observe these fake fratters, I slowly begin to calm down.

I am better than them. They love me. They want to be me. All is right in the world.