Satin Sheets

I sleep on satin sheets…….the thing is…..I have no excuse as to why I bought them. I sleep alone every night. Though I wish I was, I am not Christian Troy and I am not gay. What is wrong with me…when picking them out I even thought about the colors in my room to see if they would match. Satin sheets are only acceptable if they are red. I bought gold.

For the first time in my life I own jeans that cost over $100 and get this, they are pre-faded . I own vertically striped shirts. Charlotte is slowly killing me. Next thing you know I will have gel in my hair and think it is acceptable to wear a t-shit and a sport coat with jeans and clean sneakers. I have seen guys in the bars that have shirts on with clever sayings like “I cuddle after” and “I spoon for poon”. These people should be sterilized.

I find myself holding my breath a lot. I don’t want to catch poor. These people are all clearly infected and spend every dime they have on stuff they saw on MTV.

NEWS FLASH….your name is Allen Westerson and you are from Pennsylvania. You are not friends with Timberland or Justin Timberlake. You live in an apt that you rent for $400 a month with your friends. You have to drive 30 min to get uptown. I know you probably work someplace in the mall….maybe Pure Denim or Neiman Marcus. You tell girls you are in Sales Marketing.

Stop spreading whatever disease you have. I don’t know if I can handle more than satin sheets and expensive jeans.

Sexy

Do you know the definition of sexy? Sexy is when she has to take sips of your drink because she has “X’s” on her hands. Sexy is when she gives you money at the date party because she can’t buy drinks at the bar. Sexy is when she cries because you won’t let her teddy bear sleep in the bed with the two of you anymore……uhhhhh……forget the last one…..I meant to say I know a guy that thinks that is sexy……

21 year olds can be sexy.

If I pretend she's 18….

I lived vicariously though my girlfriend for the past year and a half. I could still experience the excitement of, “does it matter that my eyes aren’t blue” and “oh shit the cops are here”.

I watched her turn from 19-20 and then 20-21…I didn’t like it one bit. How am I supposed to impress the guys now…..sure 1987 may still sound cool but the fact of the matter is she can now do everything I can do...except pee standing up and experience the fun of a random boner at work. Other than that we are equal. She can drive and vote (yeah, still not happy about the government letting women do those). She can buy tobacco and beer and if she wants a hand gun, game on.

I don’t know what I’m going to do when people ask what year she is in school and I have to say SENIOR. I could bind her feet like the Asians do to make them stop growing and her appear younger. I know, from now on when I am around she has to wear her HS senior class shirt.