Champagne Wishes and Caviar Dreams

I'm moving on up.

I just bought the website:

www.youcantbeme.com

If you need me i'll be on the veranda.

I've Got Answers

So along with all the hate mail and marriage proposals, I randomly get emails asking my advice. Who else to let you know if poor is contagious, what is acceptable only when drunk and if fat girls will really do more stuff.

I've been there folks. I am your regular fratstar Dear Abby. So shoot me a few questions. I'll do my best to make sure you stay on your A game and don't get caught up in mix of $30,000 millionaires.

Drop me a note at:

liveinacube@gmail.com

Letter To My Future Wife

Hey GF,

OMG, I can’t W8 to be your BF. ;)~. You are totes the gurl for me. @---‘--- (a flower for you)! My BFF’s and I have been chillin all day at my rents place playing MASH. GREAT NEWS. You are going to be hot. We will have 2 kids, live in a mansion, and drive a Corvette! At least that is what the game told me LOL. What is the 411 on that boi in your class? J/K I I don’t really care LMAO. WTF….another spelling test this week?!? Your teacher is such a B! Just an FYI, don’t hang out with the gurl that rides the bus. She has a bad case of the poor.

Tlk2uL8r!

P

Ps. No one know how to make a cursive “Z” so it’s kewl!

Translation (for everyone over 13)

Hello,

I wanted to write you and say hi. Someday we will meet each other and fall desperately in love. Until then I can only wait and hope that the path you are on is the quickest path to me. I know you will meet other men before me, that’s ok. You will face many choices in life: where you will live, the school you will attend and the career path you take. Whatever life brings you make sure to choose your friends wisely. People judge you by the company you keep.

All my love,

Patrick

Ps. All of the previously stated becomes null and void if you are fat. Kisses.

Mail Bag

Have a look at a few of the emails and comments I have received after each blog. I hope you enjoy these as much as I do.

_________________________

via Reblog

ARMYCHI******

YOURE SNOBBY FOR SAYING THAT. THERES TONS OF "POOR" PEOPLE WHO MAKE IT SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE. I'M ONE OF THEM . IF I WERE YOU I' d THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. Rude PPL LIKE YOU ARE UNATTRACTIVE.


Congrats ArmyC, you clearly “make it successful in life”. I was wrong. Now I’m embarrassed in front of all of my friends.


____________________________________________________________

via Gmail

Ta****** 12:25 PM

just read it
i love it
i now judge them by the level of hatred --- super hating you

Ta***** 12:28 PM

and wanting you
drives me crazy how they go together like that

2 points me.

____________________________________________________________

via Hotmail

Am**********

I don’t know who you are. But I know what you stand for. You are the reason that people don’t get ahead in life. You are the reason that women feel BAD about how they look. What gives you the right to judge. Do you think because you are SOOOOO RICh that you decide how everything should be? Well wake up. The best things in life are not young girls and nice clothes. I hope someday you grow up. Prick.


Me: I’ll take things in life for $800

Alex: Answer: Young girls and nice clothes.

Me: What are the best things

Alex: Correct for $800

Nice try Trebek

____________________________________________________________


via comment section on my blog

D****

While your blog is somewhat funny, it would be a very interesting social experiment to see what would happen if you ever moved to a real city. If you are around enough 6's you may feel like a 10 in comparison, but what if you upped the ante and were around a larger portion of the best and the brightest? It would be interesting to see how your observations, rhetoric, and swagger would hold up and whether the substance underneath is really as strong as your writing makes it seem

J******
Bro, you just got served!!!

I did in fact, get served. The good news: I know that I will never take public transportation.
____________________________________________________________

via comment section on my blog

Wasb*************

oh my gosh.. my mom and I about pissed our pants reading that.. and i read a bunch of the others.. You are too funny! Write more.. i need a weekly laugh from you!

Mother AND daughter pissing themselves at the same time!?! Someone read my diary.

____________________________________________________________

via Hotmail

BL*********

FUCK YOU

Short and to the point. Well-done.
____________________________________________________________

via comment section on my blog


C*****

I'm a breasts man. Typically girls with large breast eat healthy, so I say have all the chips you want as long as I can have some milk.

This makes me glad people only have my email and not my address.
____________________________________________________________

via Gmail

K***********
If your picture is really you in your Blog profile then you can saw what ever you want. PS im 20 is that too old?

Sorry I never got back to you. A few follow up questions.
1. Do you have an opinion?
2. Pearls and a sweater?
3. Is everything clearly defined for you as an “entry” or an “exit”?

The Draft

Get your pen and paper ready. You’ve heard of March Madness, well next month is May Madness. All the hottest recruits will be reviewing scholarship offers, weighing their opportunities and making their announcement. This time of year always gets me going. Last year’s draft went well but this year the sky is the limit.

The typical recruit comes in freshman year with little “big game” experience. They don’t know the playbook or the new rules of the game. This is a whole new league. Quotes such as:

“I don’t know this move”
“I’ve never worked this hard”
“Is that legal?”

can be heard from all of the newbie’s.

That’s right everyone. It is the High School Draft. Girls from all over the country will decide what higher leaning facility will allow them the best opportunity to meet a man and become engaged by end of the third season. With their championship ring and MRS degree attained in just 3 short years they will have time for more important things like learning how to pour a scotch and making me a sandwich.

This is not an easy league though. There is stiff competition (ha ha ha I said “stiff”). Yes, you may have a cable knit and a 3 series but so does the next girl. What sets you apart?

You were on the dance team in High School? Your dad never hugged you? You don’t understand what’s the big deal about a blow job?

Did you just say you are walking to your car alone later? You just became a first round pick.

Just a heads up to the rookies. Play hard. Impress the other team. But don’t get injured freshman year. No one signs a long term contract with a girl that has played for the competition.

Last thing, please do all of us coaches a favor. When you ask for graduation gifts, put monogrammed pillow cases at the top of the list. We need to at least have a good shot at remembering the name of all the players on our team.

Dinner for None

Spring just hit Charlotte. Perfect times for outdoor drinking, bacci ball and girls in skirts. You know the ones the defy physics. They’re made out of that t-shirt material and no matter how hard the wind blows they go up only enough to piss you off.

Anyway, I was at the mall picking up some new deck shoes and linen pants when I walked past a line of people that all seemed to be waiting in line for a NASCAR event. What the fuck was going on. Dale Earnhardt must have risen from the grave and is personally giving everyone an OTPHJ (over the pants hand job). I continued around the corner and ,fuck me, it is a Ruby FUCKING Tuesdays. What are these people thinking? Are they really waiting in line to eat at a restaurant that is attached to a mall? Rule #7 in not looking like Best Buy employee of the month. Never eat at a restaurant that is attached to a mall.

For everyone that just said, “but Cheese Cake Factory is attached to a mall”, please send me your address and I will personally drive to your house (where ever you have parked it that week) and give you $20 to punch you in the face. Furthermore, if you just thought about if you would let me punch you for $20, stop reading. I hope you are sterile and are never able to reproduce.

Seeing these people made me wonder, “Does Olive Garden have too long of a wait?”

I can hear it now:

“Well, gee ma. You think we cen jus sher one of dem bottomless pasta bowls?”
“does 8.99 include tax?”
“if we ask for no salad can we get a discount?”

Where do these people come from? I have a guess. They come from neighborhoods that don’t have names. “The Shady Tree Trailer Park” doesn’t count. If your house is not from an esteemed neighborhood with a gate and a name you probably fall for tricks like:

1. Kids eat free (if you can’t afford to pay for your kids meal maybe you should not be reproducing). Poor.
2. “Bottomless” or “endless”, how long has it been since your last meal that you need to count on dinner being never ending? Get a job, Poor Fail.
3. Catchy names. No successful man has ever ordered a meal that is called “Zippy Chicken Swingers”.
4. Did you see a commercial for a special they have? When was the last time you saw a commercial for a Country Club. If something is really that good they don’t need to advertise.

The last of the poor test is this . If you have ever eaten at a restaurant that has replaced “ing” with just the letter “n” (e.g. Flamin’, Jumpin’, Bloomin’, Rockin’) you are no friend of mine.

Don’t come into my fratosphere with your Lee jeans and oversized wallet. Is that a $50 bill sticking out? Someone must have had a birthday! Maybe if you tell the waitress the will bring a free slice of cake and 7 forks.

The Ride

This is part two in the five part series depicting the girls that will never get a second date. I have sat down several times to write this blog. Each time I became too enraged and had to relax by driving though the projects while throwing copies of my W2 from my car. You should see the faces of the people as they stare at all those zeros.

Background:

This girl has been in my social group for a while but always on the outer ring. Hot, but knows it. Skinny, with just enough plastic to let me know that she once hated herself. Did you expect otherwise?

7PM Thursday Night:

I jump in the truck and start on my way to her uptown Condo. Fact: if she lives in a place (other than a house) that allows you to park for free turn around. Parking fees help filter out the poor. Think about it, people get mugged walking to their cars. If they weren’t so fucking poor they would have spent the $4 to park in the garage and wouldn’t have had their GO phone stolen.

Back to the story. It has been a while since I have worn them, but this is a chic that definitely likes a guy in 7 Jeans ( told you, Charlotte has changed me a bit). I have on a crispy polo fresh from the dry cleaners. Fact, I am looking good. She meets me at the bottom of the elevator and we head up stairs for a pre-dinner drink.

The night starts off slow, she isn’t much of a talker (knows her place). We speed though our cocktails and start on the second. Little more talking. 3 cocktails down. Reservations are at 8:30. This girls isn’t going to make it if we don’t leave now. We get down to my truck and I open her door. This makes her smile like I just told her we could be facebook friends.

As we pull out of the garage I put on the radio for a little silence filler. Then it starts. Just a little hum. Nothing big, but I notice. Things are fine, we get to a stop light and then she pours it on. I am sitting next to mother fucking Rihanna junior. She starts singing like it is American Idol and I'm Simon fucking Cowell.

Now let me be clear. I don’t mind fun singing in the car after a few drinks or when driving back from the bars. But chics, if you are 24 (yeah I know she is old as shit) and you don’t have an album, chances are you suck. You are the only one who thinks you are a good singer.

I turn up the radio to drown her out and Rihanna Junior just gets louder. She starts with the squinty eyes and some hand movement. I may have to Chris Brown her ass. It doesn’t stop. No joke, Taylor Swift is sing, “ Romeo save me, I’ve been feeling so……” I can’t hear the radio. I’m trapped. This is before dinner.

There is no saving her now. I am cashed. She could give me a hand job (with full eye contact) during dinner as I eat my Mediterranean Pasta and I still would rather be watching my grandparents make out. Did you get a visual?

A few days later I get a text. "Had a lot of fun. Should do it again -T. Swift."

I learned so much about her in that short drive.

1. She thinks she is great.
2. She is the girl that sings Karaoke seriously. You know the one who chooses Carrie Underwood while everyone else is singing Aerosmith.
3. The plastic work is only a temporary fix for an inevitable collapse when she finds out that not only was she born looking like a boy, but she also has a voice like one.

Who has ever heard of a naturally good looking confident woman. Honestly. The reason why you are good looking is because you are worried about what guys like me think. THIS IS A GOOD THING. Once you start having things like “opinions” and “thoughts” it all goes downhill. The only things you need for success are a nice cable knit sweater, pearl earrings (not the cultured bullshit, we know the difference) and low self-esteem. Remember these things and you will be rewarded with a divorce at the age of 35, full custody and 50% of all my possessions.

If you ever get that feeling to sing just look at the W2 on my seat and imagine half of it is yours.